What I found in my research was confusing. Assessing whether a medication was effectively treating ADHD seemed heavily reliant on subjective reporting. How was I to reliably tell if my child’s ADHD medication and dose were really working as well as they should?

I was frustrated and determined to get clear results – and then I had a lightbulb moment.

The Truth Before Our Eyes

One day, I was reading with my kid. I watched as their eyes darted all over the page, the focus slipping away right in front of me. This must happen to so many people with ADHD when they try to read, I thought.

That’s when it hit me: When we read, our eyes follow a specific pattern. Unless we have ADHD, and then our wandering minds might lead to wandering eyes, making our reading patterns different and more erratic.

[Get This Free Download: How Do We Know the Medication Is Working?]

Eye movement is key; tracking it could reveal patterns and lead to a methodology for ultimately measuring focus. I brought the idea to my sister, an AI and bioinformatics expert. Together, we began to use AI to analyze reading processes and eye-movement patterns. We found that by tracking these patterns, we could develop a tool that would provide a clear, data-driven picture of how ADHD medication affects concentration and impulsivity, thus, a way to measure treatment efficacy.

Turning a Novel Idea Into Reality

Enter Ravid, my rollerblading buddy who also has ADHD and expertise in digital health product development. The three of us made this wild idea a reality. While Ravid and my sister built the product, I reached out to clinicians.

I learned in those conversations that there was no tool available that could objectively track medication efficacy for a patient outside of the clinic. Clinicians and researchers loved our approach. Reading is universal but complex enough to capture different aspects of ADHD, and eye tracking can reveal both concentration and impulse control levels.

And that’s how iFocus was born. You can log in to our site from a webcam-enabled computer and read a paragraph with and without your meds. Our tool will track your eye movement through your webcam as you read and establish a score representing your progress compared to your baseline.

[Read This Special Report: ADHD Treatments Scorecard from Readers]

Each session only takes a few minutes, but the impact, we think, can be life changing.

Putting People in Charge of Their ADHD Treatment

Recently, my kid started a new medication, and we used iFocus to find the right dose. The experience was completely different. They tested themselves, reported how they felt, and we had meaningful discussions about the results.

The dose where my child felt best was lower than I anticipated, but both my child’s report and iFocus results confirmed that the dose was working. This is just one example of how iFocus empowers people with ADHD to take control of their treatment journey.

ADHD Medication Efficacy: Next Steps

• Read: How Can I Tell If the ADHD Medication is Working?
• Read: ADHD Medications Rarely Work Perfectly on the First Try
• Read: Stimulant, Non-Stimulant, or Both? Combination Therapy for ADHD

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Working with a gender identity therapist was really helpful. She gave great advice, and we had weekly homework. One week, it might be to make a big effort to use the right pronouns. The next week, it might be to reach out to a family member and tell them about the new name, in front of Ashe to show them that we were supportive. At the beginning, Ashe would get upset when I or Ashe’s dad used the wrong pronouns, but they learned to accept that people are going to make mistakes. The therapy lasted a year, and Ashe’s confidence increased as we went through that.

“It All Made Sense:” An Empowering Diagnosis

At the end of 9th grade, Ashe’s therapist suggested a neuropsych. We knew Ashe had trouble at school — struggles with taking tests and keeping focus, but because they were such a likable person, teachers always gave them the benefit of the doubt. It really wasn’t until high school that we saw their grades drop drastically. The tests kept coming back failed. Assignments were not getting handed in on time.

It was unclear to us what was going on. Depression and anxiety run in the family so we were concerned about that, but Ashe had started to do their own research and they said, ‘I think I might have ADHD.’”

Ashe was right: the neuropsych revealed ADHD. It turned out that the anxiety Ashe was feeling came from the ADHD not being managed. The testing was reassuring, and validating. It all made sense. Ashe thought, ‘This is what I’ve been experiencing. Let me try to get everyone in my life to work with this.”

[Read: ADHD in Teens – Your Guide to Warning Signs & Treatments for Adolescents]

I know sometimes when kids with ADHD explore gender, parents can wonder: are they just being impulsive? Ashe is very quick to make decisions and can be very impulsive. But you’re not in your kid’s head, so you have to step back and support them while you see where it goes.

A Surprising Journey

The evolution of the gender journey was surprising. As Ashe moved through high school, after working with the gender therapist, they became really confident in themselves. They started wearing skirts and embracing what we would think of as more feminine presentation, but they were very clear that when they wear a dress, it doesn’t mean they’re a girl. As Ashe has grown older and more knowledgeable and confident, they’ve really learned to love their body. For me, that was a lovely surprise because there can be a lot of body dysmorphia during this kind of gender journey.

The name change was the hardest part for me. Ashe was not the name we gave them. They wanted a more neutral name that they felt suited them better. It hurt at first to not be a part of that process, but looking back and seeing the whole journey, I understand that ‘Ashe’ is the name they feel is them. Now it’s really strange to think back on the dead name, which we do have to use from time to time for legal stuff.

[Read: How to Support a Teen with ADHD Who Is Questioning Their Gender]

In the beginning I asked Ashe a lot, “Can you explain it to me?” Then I stopped, because I realized that I had to do the work of learning, myself — listening to podcasts, reading articles. It shouldn’t necessarily be the child’s responsibility to make you understand.

Support Now. Understand In Time.

I also realized that I didn’t really need to understand in order to support. I figured out that the understanding would come, one day, down the line. But what needed to happen, in that moment, was just support.

The relationships, including friendships, that Ashe has formed are extremely deep and supportive. Ashe now has a boyfriend, and they’ve been together for two years. They have amazing communication for a bunch of 19-year-olds, the way they talk about how to address each other and physical touch and what’s okay with that. There is a lot of really open communication and I think it comes from both of them being so comfortable with who they are.

A lot of people push down who they are — whether that’s gender or sexuality or neurodivergence. But seeing Ashe embrace themselves, I’ve thought, wow, everyone should know as much as they can about themselves — their neurodivergence, gender identity, sexuality. It can open you up to being so much more authentic, and fulfilled.

Gender Diversity and Neurodiversity: Next Steps

• Watch: Gender Diversity and Neurodiversity – How to Support a Child, Teen, or Young Adult with ADHD as They Explore Gender
• Read: How to Be a Neuroqueer Ally
• Read: The Clinicians’ Guide to Serving and Protecting LGBTQIA+ Youth

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In fourth grade, my favorite teacher led an activity where we had to describe to our peers how to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich as if they were aliens who had never heard of such a food. As bright fourth graders, we started by telling the other group to “put the peanut butter on the bread.” As you can imagine, the instruction was so vague that my peers, who were only following directions, placed the entire peanut butter jar on top of the bread, which was not our intention. “Working and communicating together in groups can be challenging,” my teacher told me. “Did you learn anything from this?”

Working in groups – and socializing in general – can be especially challenging for kids with ADHD. ADHD is not so much about knowledge-based deficits as it is about performance-based challenges. A lot of us know how to socialize and we understand what’s right and wrong, but we struggle when we need to display our social skills. That’s why it’s so important to practice skills in real time, and why it’s even more important for parents to support and replicate skill-building at home.

The following are three social skills activities I have found help children with ADHD because they can be practiced in a social-skills groups with same-aged peers AND outside of the office with the support of parents:

“LEGO My Creation”

The first strategy, derived from an activity book by Jennifer Cook O’Toole, is written for parents, clinicians, and educators of autistic children. Given the overlap between autism and ADHD, this resource may be helpful more broadly.

[Get This Free Download: A Friendship Guide for Kids with ADHD]

The goal behind this communication activity resembles that of my PB&J fourth grade bit. During the activity, children sit back-to-back and each pair is given identical LEGO pieces. In each pair, Child #1 creates a structure with the pieces while Child #2, still turned the other way, waits. Then, Child #1, who built the structure, practices clearly and patiently communicating what they created to Child #2, who is blind to what Child #1 created. Child #2 has to try to build a replica using only Child #1’s verbal description. Both partners can only see and compare structures at the end of the activity. Before the activity, clinicians and/or parents should discuss helpful tips for easier communication, and children should also be coached and given direct feedback during the activity.

I like this activity because, even if it turns out to be very difficult for the pair, it will likely serve to increase awareness of situations in which children may be misunderstood and need to explain things more clearly. Other versions of this same activity, like drawing, can help with clarifying thoughts and with communicating more effectively.

Two tips I’ve learned in my practice with neurodivergent youth: Make sure the LEGO pieces are large and simplify the task for them as much as you can. The goal is to teach them something, but also to make the task attainable and fun, so if the structure is too difficult to describe, that may suck the fun out of the activity and make the game unnecessarily stressful.

Spin the Confidence Wheel

Many of the neurodivergent pre-teens and teens with whom I work say they want to increase their confidence in social situations. Enter the Confidence Wheel, an activity I derived from my exposure therapy work with anxious youth. Each slice of the wheel is filled in with a unique social anxiety exposure or situation based on the child’s specific triggers. When the wheel stops, the child has to engage in the social anxiety exposure indicated. (For so much of anxiety, the only way out is through.) After discussing the rationale behind this activity and receiving some core coping skills, the child engages in the social anxiety exposure with the support of their social skills group and clinician; they can also practice outside of the office with parental support.

[Read: 5 Ways to Reframe Anxiety for Your Worried Teen]

I like this one because it is applied – it pushes the child to actually DO something rather than just discuss a skill, and it can be practiced with parents’ support. After all, it will be difficult to engage in real-life social skills practice if anxiety is holding them back.

Winging it with Improv

Improvisation has so many social skills built into it — changing and adapting personas based on context, getting used to quick cognitive shifts, following what others are saying, staying on topic – that can help neurodivergent youth rehearse in a funny and supportive environment.

Improv classes, programs, clubs, and camps are everywhere – another benefit of this activity. As individuals with ADHD, we need humor and movement to stay sane, and improv provides both. Here’s a display of one improv activity I’ve seen work well with neurodivergent preteens and teens: LiveKellyandMark.

In each of these activities, we encourage adolescents to interact with others in real time while facing their social fears in fun, supportive environments. These exercises and contexts teach them to love themselves for who they are while opening their minds to new strategies for becoming the best versions of themselves.

Social Skills Activities: Next Steps

• Read: Social Smarts — The Teen Years
• Read: Building (Real) Friendships in the Age of Social Media
• Watch: The Social Reboot – Helping Tween and Teen Boys with ADHD Make Friends

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If you’re a mom who is raising children with ADHD, you may have complicated feelings about Mother’s Day. You may feel unnoticed and left out on this day, as the unique challenges and joys of caring for a neurodivergent child aren’t often widely represented. A “thank you” from your little one would be wonderful, you say. Then again, you also recognize that your child may have trouble expressing their thoughts and how they really feel about you, much less planning and executing breakfast in bed.

So this one’s for the amazing moms who are always in their kiddo’s corner, no matter what. The heartfelt thanks your kid would give you if they had the words (even if they accidentally forgot about Mother’s Day)? They’re all here:

[Read: What ADHD Moms Really Want This Mother’s Day]

5 Things Your ADHD Kiddo Really Means to Tell You on Mother’s Day

1. Thank you for understanding me. “Mom, you always try to understand me, even when I’m all over the place. I know it’s not always easy, but you make me feel like I’m okay just the way I am.”

2. I appreciate how you keep me organized. “The way you help me stay organized and on track is a lifesaver. Your checklists and reminders really help me, even if I don’t always show it.”

3. I admire your calmness. “When I get overwhelmed or upset, you stay so calm. It helps me feel safe and helps me calm down, too. You have this magic way of making everything better.”

4. I’m sorry for the tough days. “I know there are days when I really test your patience, and I’m sorry. Thank you for sticking with me through the tantrums, the meltdowns, and everything else.”

[Read: “Dear Mom of a Newly Diagnosed Kid with ADHD”]

5. Thanks for believing in me, even when I don’t believe in myself. “You always believe I can do great things, even when I mess up or get distracted. Knowing that you believe in me makes me feel like I can do anything.”

They might not thank you this Mother’s Day, but someday they will — whether through their words or actions. Until then, I’m here to remind you just how much you mean.

Mother’s Day & ADHD Families: Next Steps

• Read: 10 Thoughtul Mother’s Day Gift Ideas
• Read: “To My Kids: A Love Letter from Your Scatterbrained, Unpredictable, Truly Lucky Mom”
• Read: Overwhelmed Mom Syndrome — It’s a Real Thing
• Read: What Your Child Would Tell You About ADHD If They Had the Words

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On the flip side, mothers were portrayed as multitasking heroes who kept their families and homes from falling apart. Sure, these are stereotypes, but they’re mostly grounded in real-life expectations. Women are supposed to be the tidy, organized, and dependable ones. When you need help with homework, Mom’s the first one you ask. When you can’t find something, Mom knows where it is. When you need a special cake for your birthday, Mom can make it just right.

For a woman like me who struggles with ADHD, these expectations can be painful. Daddy is the one who keeps things running around here. He’s the organized and calm one. I do a lot. But if it weren’t for him, we’d have ice cream melting in the refrigerator.

[Read: “Housekeeping Is Not Motherhood.”]

I’m fairly traditional. I worked from home with my kids for years by choice. I wanted to cook their meals from scratch, but I almost always left out a crucial ingredient. I was there every time they pulled out a new board game, but I had a hard time sitting down and reading the instructions. I took them to fun places, but it was never a stress-free event. This mama forgot water bottles, diapers, wet wipes, and validation tickets. At some point, I realized I was the Dumb Dad.

For a long time, guilt and feelings of inadequacy plagued me. Not anymore. I’m so grateful to have a husband who grounds me. And with his support, I’m learning self-love.

The Dumb Dad may be bumbling, but he’s also adored. The kids never hold his cluelessness against him because his benevolence is clear. As my kids get older, they’re learning that their mom struggles with some things. And they know that it’s perfectly okay.

I’ve stopped trying to follow recipes or fix remotes. I’m focusing on the things I do well. I’m showing my daughter with ADHD all the tips I’ve learned to make life easier. I’m teaching her about civics and history, where I thrive. I’m hyperfocusing when my children need it, whether they’ve got a mysterious rash or someone needs to convince the city to put crossing guards at the school. I’m dancing and singing to all the kids’ songs because I’m a goofball like them and I know all the words.

I’m not the most organized mom, but I love my children more than anything on this earth. And they know it.

Gender Stereotypes and ADHD: Next Steps

• Read: The Motherhood Myth Is Crushing Women with ADHD
• Read: A Self-Care Guide for Moms with ADHD Raising Kids with ADHD
• Read: 12 Hurtful, Misogynistic Comments Women with ADHD Hear
• Read: To My Kids — A Love Letter from Your Scatterbrained, Unpredictable, Truly Lucky Mom

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In 2014, I experienced a heartbreaking loss when my dear friend, Erin, essentially a sister to me, tragically took her own life at age 17. Erin was a remarkable individual filled with spunk, love, and empathy. Despite her supportive family, try-anything attitude, and impressive musical and culinary talents (her pasta dishes were truly legendary!), Erin struggled with social challenges and making friends. She was often excluded from weekend plans and parties, and she lacked a peer confidante to share her joys and passions. The complexities of social interaction, so effortless to neurotypical individuals, were often a puzzle for Erin — a reality she lived daily and felt deeply.

Making Friends with Autism Spectrum Disorder

Out of the tragedy of her death emerged Erin’s Hope for Friends, a non-profit organization dedicated to fostering friendships among individuals with ASD. At Erin’s Hope for Friends, we believe in the profound impact of genuine connections. True friends accept you for who you are, quirks and all, providing a sanctuary free from judgment. Finding friends who embrace each individual’s differences can be transformative, instilling a sense of belonging and confidence.

[Self-Test: Is My Child Autistic?]

Erin’s Hope for Friends offers dynamic social programs known as e’s Clubs virtually and in Atlanta, Georgia, and Lexington, Kentucky. These clubs provide a welcoming, safe space for autistic teens and young adults (ages 12 to 24) to connect and engage in various activities tailored to their interests. From Foosball to karaoke to crafts to video games, e’s Clubs offer diverse activities to foster interaction and camaraderie. If you visit a club, it only takes a very short period to witness the joy they create. Currently serving more than 500 members annually, our clubs continue to grow and thrive.

The potential for Erin’s Hope for Friends and e’s Clubs — and other groups like it —  is limitless. By expanding our reach nationwide, we aim to significantly impact the autistic community by challenging stereotypes, promoting neurodiversity acceptance, and ultimately creating a space for our members to make life-changing connections.

If you’re passionate about supporting individuals with autism in their quest for friendship and acceptance, I encourage you to check out Erin’s Hope for Friends or another similar organization. Together, we can celebrate abilities, challenge societal norms, and empower individuals to navigate the landscape of friendship with confidence and joy. After all, it just takes one good friend to change the course of a life.

Autism in the Workplace: Next Steps

• Download: Free Resource: Autism Evaluation Checklist
• Watch:  An Open Conversation with Temple Grandin – Autism Expert, Author, and Scientist
• Read: Autism and ADHD: The Complete Playbook for Social Challenges
• Blog: “I Grew Up Gifted and Autistic — and Suffered the Burnout of Twice Exceptionality”

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In our excitement playing cards, we got too noisy and woke up the toddler. There was laughter and arguing. There was winning and losing.

I’d like to say my son, Ocean, was a gracious winner. I’d also like to say that I’m never a sore loser. Regardless, I was elated that we were playing – win or lose. I never thought my kid would land on card games as a special interest. And I know it won’t last, so I’m savoring these precious moments with extra gratitude.

Special Interests: My Son’s Rotating Fascinations

Ocean has autism and ADHD. Rather than sticking to one deep and abiding interest or bouncing around several interests at once (like me), he cycles through a different obsession every few months. There are some that repeat, like soccer, BEYBLADES, and various video games. I’m always happy when Pokémon comes up in the rotation.

My husband and I have always joined him in his interests, even when (as a baby) he just wanted to stare at the spinning ceiling fan. I’ll admit I didn’t enjoy spinning wheels on baby strollers when that was his fixation, and his interest in other peoples’ soccer balls didn’t make us popular at the playground. (On the other hand, soccer balls do have really cool designs, especially the Jabulani and Brazuca. Do you know how hard it is to find an original Jabulani? Can you guess how many hours I spent bidding on eBay?) While I didn’t love subway trips to a busy intersection to watch the pedestrian traffic light count down, he’s now traveling alone on public transportation – something I never imagined then.

When my son finds a new special interest, it feels a bit like opening a Christmas gift. I have no idea what it will be, but I know it will surprise me… and that it will get old eventually.

[Read: Autism vs. ADHD — A Parent’s Guide to Tricky Diagnoses]

I’ve observed the pattern. He learns all the planets and moves on to galaxies. He maps the states, then the world… But his fixation doesn’t hold; eventually, he gets restless. He spends a few weeks absentmindedly dabbling until something grabs his attention again. I have no influence on his infatuations, or how long he will stay interested in each one. I’ve tried. It backfires. I don’t think he has much say in what grabs him either.

The one time I successfully held the line was when hot peppers became his interest. When his own pediatrician told us that eating too many of them raw could cause internal damage, my own gut wrenched and I felt like the worst parent ever. Nope. No more. I told him, “You can talk about Scoville heat units, you can draw and categorize and research peppers to your heart’s delight, but no more raw spicy pepper eating challenges under my roof!” I value autonomy, but I value his health more. It wasn’t easy, but we moved on, with his stomach lining intact.

Was Celebrating My Son’s Special Interests Wrong?

Ocean was first flagged for early intervention at 13 months. He wasn’t crawling on all fours or showing any signs of walking.

It would be a while before I put all the pieces together: developmental delays, social differences, special interests, sensory avoidance, and difficulty regulating emotions. Still, we hadn’t considered autism. I even brushed off an evaluator who casually mentioned “red flags for autism” when Ocean lined up a set of toy cars instead of playing with them as expected.

[Read: Is My Child with ADHD on the Autism Spectrum?]

Then he went to preschool, where was expected to do things that were not his absolute favorite. The stimulation was a lot for him. He was having multiple meltdowns a day and struggled mightily with transitions. Even with the support of a 1-to-1 special education teacher, he barely endured the year.

At a new special-education school, his teacher asked for reward ideas that could motivate him. When I told her how much he liked letters and numbers, she was dismissive. “But that’s just stimming,” she said. I was speechless.

My confidence eroded. I started to think that all our celebrating of Ocean’s fascinations had been wrong. I wondered if I should have steered him away from the things that gave him comfort and joy. But I couldn’t. I loved to see the spark in him when he engaged with his true loves.

That year was damaging for both of us, and with perspective I am glad to have learned this lesson: Just because someone has a degree, doesn’t mean they are an expert – and they certainly aren’t an expert in your child.

Celebrating My Son’s Special Interests – and Strengths

We moved on to a more enlightened and neurodiversity-affirming elementary school, and my education in celebrating neurodiversity began. Those teachers and therapists brought Ocean’s interests into everything. They encouraged his strengths and nudged him along in his challenges. They partnered with us parents, and it felt like almost every professional truly cared about my son. He thrived.

Still, being neurodivergent in an ableist world is hard, and we leaned on supports as we overcame one struggle after another.

He’s moving on to high school next year, and I want to share a reflection with parents of younger neurodivergent kids: The problems fade with time, especially when you focus on encouraging their strengths. The glimmers of joy are what I recall, like snapshots.

When Ocean wasn’t meeting developmental milestones and was having multiple meltdowns a day, I never could have imagined this scene: my siblings, nieces, parents, all playing a card game that Ocean had organized and taught them, and all having a blast!

I can’t think of anyone with whom I’d rather stare at the fan, draw soccer balls, line up numbers, or play cards.

Special Interests, Autism, and ADHD: Next Steps

• Take this Self-Test: Is My Child Autistic? Signs of Autism Spectrum Disorder
• Free Download: Bonding Activity Ideas for ADHD Families
• Read: What Does Autism Spectrum Disorder Look Like in Children?
• Read: Autism and ADHD – the Complete Playbook for Social Challenges

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You may fear possible judgments and others’ assumptions about your child or yourself. You may feel anxious, ashamed, or uncertain of who to tell or where to go for support. You may wonder if sharing the ADHD diagnosis will make your child feel badly about themselves. Or maybe it’s the opposite — you wonder if choosing to keep quiet will make your child feel like something is wrong with them.

ADHD Diagnosis: Secrecy vs. Privacy

Let’s start untangling this web of uncertainty by differentiating secrecy and privacy.

Secrecy is an intentional act of restraining or hiding information, typically because it is believed that the information is problematic and will have negative consequences out in the open. Secrecy is associated with shame. While privacy is also intentional, it is associated with empowerment, not shame. Privacy is a choice and a right. It connotes respect in that it allows one to know themselves, to have information about who they are, and then to decide with whom to share that information. For this reason, you want to disclose and discuss ADHD within the framework of your child and family’s right to privacy, while rejecting the idea of secrecy or shame.

[Read: Explaining ADHD to Your Child]

Is It Necessary? Is It Kind?

You should never keep your child’s ADHD from them. How you discuss the condition with your child will depend on their age, comprehension skills, and other factors, but the point is to speak openly about their unique brain and why they have certain challenges.

It gets trickier when deciding who to tell outside of immediate family and whether you or your child gets to make that decision. If your child is too young to consent to their diagnosis being shared, my suggestion is to think about two of Rumi’s three gates of speech before you speak: Is it necessary? Is it kind?

• Would sharing the diagnosis and explaining your child’s behaviors or needs help the person better understand your child?
• Would sharing the diagnosis help others be more successful in their interactions or relationship with your child?
• Would sharing the diagnosis open possibilities for more support without harming your relationship with your child now or in the future?
• If it is necessary to share this information, how can you convey your child’s struggles with kindness and respect?  Can you include your child or teen in any way in this communication?

Prior to sharing your child’s diagnosis with someone, consider the person’s character and previous behaviors. Have you witnessed them be judgmental toward others? Do they appear to use shame as a tool or a weapon? Do they gossip frequently? Do they show an unwillingness to learn or revise their thinking in light of new information?  If it’s yes to all, move on; you won’t find support and acceptance from them.

[Read: It Takes A Village — Help Other People Understand ADHD]

If you decide to share your child’s diagnosis, you should still respect your child’s privacy by directly asking the individual for discretion. Share whether you have received consent from your child or if this disclosure is your own decision. Engage in private, respectful conversation in appropriate places, not at the bus stop and other public places. Speak about ADHD in a neurodiversity-affirming manner.

Online support groups can be great places to find community, acceptance, and like-minded people. Be cautious about sharing your child’s diagnosis or struggles in ways that can make them easily identified.

As your child grows older, ask them to consider the same questions and points above to help them decide who to talk to about their ADHD. Of course, if your child decides that they do not want you to share their diagnosis with someone, you must also respect your child’s right to privacy, even if you disagree with their reasoning.

Explaining ADHD to Others: Next Steps

• Free Download:  13-Step Guide to Raising a Child with ADHD
• Read: Your Brain Is a Ferrari
• Read: Who Do You Tell About Your Child’s ADHD?

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The trauma of an early birth is incredibly extreme. It’s being thrust onto a high-speed, rickety roller coaster with dangerous ups and downs. My baby was tiny, but he was breathing. Around a sharp turn we went as we were immediately separated after birth. The intensity of the separation was so great, it could have shattered me into a million pieces right there. He was perfectly proportioned – up, up, up – but he needed life support – down, down, down. He was a fighter, but we’d plummet as he’d battle infections. He needed so many blood transfusions. He had a good heart, but some other organs were underdeveloped. His lungs constantly collapsed. There were times when we almost derailed completely, like when he’d turned blue in my hands. Like all the times when his heart almost stopped.

The chaos during his time in the NICU never ceased. But each and every day, I was able to be there for my tiny human because I concentrated so intently on him, a phenomenon that has a name, I learned much later on – hyperfocus – and is part of ADHD.

My Son’s Survival: The Object of My Hyperfocus

So intense was my concentration that I was able to retain a barrage of new medical information, administer medicines and feeds, pump milk, sing to him, read to him, advocate for him, and fight for him even when the prognosis looked dire. One of the doctors in the NICU even asked me if I was in the medical field, too. No, I just know how to concentrate when needed and learn everything possible about a situation. My son’s survival became the object of my hyper focus. There was nothing that could derail me.

Even when he was finally discharged after a long four-month hospital stay, with prongs and adhesives on his little face, I still hyperfocused through this new winding valley. After all, there were many medications to prepare and administer, oxygen concentrators and portable tanks to adapt to, and endless invasive and painful appointments and surgeries. Through it all, I researched every aspect of his diagnoses and care, how to help him heal, and how to prepare him for what was to come.

[Read: A Playbook for Post-Traumatic Growth]

The Hyperfocus Comedown

I was in a daze when I disembarked from the rickety roller coaster of the NICU. Absorbed by my son’s health and all things relating to prematurity, I had tuned out the world around me, even myself.

Used to communicating with nurses, doctors, and others in the NICU, I had to re-learn how to communicate with others who were outside of this world. I learned the hard way (as is my tendency) that not everyone wants to hear about our journey not because they’re disinterested, but because talking about trauma makes others acutely uncomfortable. Hyper focusing on the particulars of my son’s health, it seemed, almost detached me from the pain of this harrowing experience.

The aftermath of months of hyper focus was a rubble of burnout, depression, confusion, unhealthy coping mechanisms, and loss of self-worth. My introduction to motherhood had been as a bystander. I was a nurse and an advocate for my son, but I still had to learn how to be his mother, which brought me so much guilt. I was drowning.

I drew upon all the strategies I could muster from years of therapy. I reached out to others, I asked for help, for company — even just a cup of coffee. Some told me that I was “too much” while others didn’t seem to take me seriously because I seemed fine enough.

[Read: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly of Hyperfocus]

If I didn’t do something, I knew I’d be at the bottom of the ocean quickly.

So, once again, I grabbed on to my hyperfocus wire. I researched and researched all things medical trauma and traumatic birth, and I came out on the other end with diagnoses of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), postpartum depression (PPD) and ADHD.

I found a community group that sent volunteers around a few times a week to just sit with me, have a cuppa, and hold the baby while I took a shower. Such simple things gave me the space to breathe and finally steady my feet enough to get the help I needed.

Hyperfocus Saved Me – and My Child

When I’ve hyperfocused previously – before I knew it had a name – it was often a draining experience that, like other aspects of my neurodivergent brain, was hard for me to understand and embrace.

But after my diagnoses, I have a greater understanding of how my brain works, and more grace for myself and what I’ve journeyed through. The ability to hyperfocus, as I now know, can be an incredible strength. I’m thankful that my resilient neurodivergent brain forged a pathway through trauma and saved me and my little human.

Birth Trauma and ADHD: Next Steps

• Take This Self-Test: Signs of Postpartum Depression
• Free Download: The Facts About Major Depressive Disorder in Women
• Read: Postpartum Care for Mothers with ADHD
• Subscribe: The ADDitude Newsletter for Women with ADHD

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With patience and a few tried-and-true strategies, you can help your student harness their enthusiasm and energy in the classroom while minimizing blurting. Use these ideas to spark your next brilliant behavior plan or classroom-management strategy.

1. Try planned ignoring. During a classroom activity, acknowledge students who raise their hands and wait to be called on. (Be sure to repeat this expectation prior to and during the lesson.) When a student who was previously blurting is now raising their hand, call on that student right away, and praise their enthusiastic efforts to contribute while following classroom expectations.

[Get This Free Download: The Daily Report Card for Better Classroom Behavior]

2. Three nods and a deep breath. For students who struggle with waiting their turn to contribute to a conversation (especially when it’s an exciting one that relates to their interests), encourage them to work and refine their patience muscles with a quick exercise: When the urge to blurt comes up before a friend has finished their statement, slowly and slightly nod three times and then take a deep breath before jumping in. Even if the student does end up blurting, it’s the practice of mindfully waiting that counts. This exercise also teaches students to be active listeners.

3. Use self-monitoring tools. Sometimes, students are unaware that they are blurting and how often they engage in the behavior. Self-monitoring tools can raise their awareness (without causing shame) and help control its frequency. My favorite way to use self-monitoring in the classroom is for both student and teacher to track the student’s blurt count for a lesson/period and compare results.

If the blurt tally is the same, then the student gets to pick from the big prize box for recognizing the number of times they blurted. (If the tally is off, you should reward the student anyway for making progress, perhaps by allowing them to pick a smaller prize.)

Over time, once the student’s baseline number of blurts is established, you can set clear goals around limiting those interruptions. If five is the average for a lesson, then aim for the student to blurt no more than three times a lesson. Praise and reward the student, perhaps with additional time for recess for the whole class.

[Read: Impulse Control Strategies for School and Home]

4. Do an environmental check. Thinking critically about the environment in which our students learn is essential to maximize their learning and make sure everyone is on the same page with respect to the classroom rules.

• Review classroom expectations frequently with your students. Make sure that the rules are clear and easy to understand, and write them on the board or keep them on a poster hanging up for all to see. Ensure that students understand when it is okay to talk softly to friends in their desk pod and when it’s time to be absolutely quiet, like during tests.
• Consider seating. Put a student who blurts near your desk or away from other students who also blurt. Consider creating a designated space in your classroom that students can go to if they need to self-regulate to control blurting and other impulsive behaviors.
• Don’t overlook the importance of a clutter-free space. Where is my notebook? Pencil? Last week’s homework assignment? A cleaner environment can reduce these questions, which may come out as blurting. During transition times, have your students take a few minutes to do individualized environmental check to keep organized.
• Check noise levels. Soft music may calm some students, which helps with impulsivity, while others need absolute silence to avoid being “activated.” Think of what works for your students and consider using noise cancelling headphones for students who need quiet.

How to Stop Blurting: Next Steps

• Free Download: Solving Behavior Problems Rooted in Executive Function Deficits
• Read: Disruptive Behavior — Solutions for the Classroom and at Home
• Read: Behavior Problems at School —  A Complete Problem-Solving Guide for Parents

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For children with ADHD who have challenges with emotional dysregulation – everything from meltdowns to overwhelming feelings – creative expression can serve as an effective outlet for powerful emotions. Through creative expression, children with ADHD can tap into stress relief and mindfulness while building on their interests and talents. Creativity can also be a neurodivergent-affirming way of facilitating healthy expression for children with verbal communication challenges.

Along with other tools to help your child manage emotional dysregulation – like medication, counseling, occupational therapy, and coping skills – try the following creative activities that bring calm.

[Get This Free Download: 5 Ways to Improve Emotional Control at Home]

• Make sculptures using clay, Play-Doh, textured slime, and/or craft materials. Tactile activities like these are great for children who seek deep pressure input to the hands and upper body.
• Make simple puppets, like sock puppets or ice-pop-stick puppets, and recreate a favorite story.
• Color or draw mandalas, an activity that can improve focus and attention in children with ADHD.¹ Coloring and freehand drawing are also fantastic activities for practicing fine motor skills.
• Take movement breaks with guided dance music videos, like “Silly to Calm” by Yogapalooza with Bari Koral and “Move Your Body” from Danny Go! , both on YouTube.
• Make a mixed-media mood board with scrap paper, markers, crayons, pictures, stickers, and other art supplies.
• Older children and adolescents can use their phone or tablet’s built-in apps to make movies and sharpen photography skills, among other creative projects. There are plenty of free creative apps, like Canva or Shuffles, for creating fun digital collages.

Emotional Regulation Through Creative Expression: More Tips for Parents and Caregivers

As you explore the right creative outlet(s) for your child, consider their sensory needs and sensitivities along with their current emotional state. You may want to hold off on certain activities that can aggravate your child (like dancing to loud music) if they’re in a dysregulated state.

Support your child’s creative expression with intentional feedback that focuses on their efforts and encourages intrinsic motivation. Instead of saying, “Your drawing is so good,” say, “You spent so much time on this project; I can tell you put lots of intention into it.”

As you help your child develop emotional regulation skills, keep these words in mind from Alysson Goodwin, Ph.D., MBA, OTR/L, an occupational therapist, advocate, and educator: “Dysregulation is simply a resource mismatch. Support for children with ADHD is helping them to develop better ways to communicate what they are feeling in their bodies and with their emotions in an objective, open, and nonjudgmental way.”

Creative Expression for Emotional Regulation: Next Steps

• Free Download: 6 Ways to Develop Emotional Control at School
• Read: How to Encourage Creativity in Children with ADHD
• Read: How Art Builds Confidence

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Sources

¹ Green, E. J., Drewes, A. A., & Kominski, J. M. (2013). Use of mandalas in Jungian play therapy with adolescents diagnosed with ADHD. International Journal of Play Therapy, 22(3), 159–172. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0033719

As a chatty kid, I saw myself (I’m embarrassed to say) in Donkey, the talkative motor-mouth and sometimes annoying character from Shrek who could not and would not shut up. I suppose the rest of my family and friends, to my chagrin, also saw the uncanny similarities between myself and that hyperactive little sidekick.

“Donkey, You Have the Right to Remain Silent. What You Lack Is the Capacity.”

Though I excelled in classes that relied heavily on participation and creative thinking, my enthusiasm – in the form of constant hand-raising and oversharing – wasn’t always appreciated. I still remember being absolutely mortified when a teacher I loved politely shushed me in front of the class and said, “Alright, too many side comments.”

Some of my classmates thought I talked and talked for attention. What they didn’t understand was that my oversharing and chattiness – symptoms of an overactive ADHD brain – felt compulsive more than anything. How else was I to release the overwhelming tsunami of thoughts that flooded my mind? I was brimming with ideas, stories, rants, and opinions about everything.

[Read: “If You’re Happy and You Know It, Talk Without Taking a Breath for Three Hours Straight”]

I did have one fan, my mom, who listened patiently and enthusiastically to whatever came out of my mouth. Or at least she tried to listen to it all. (At some point, she did need a bit of me-time.) She had the brilliant idea of buying me a tape recorder into which I could pour my stories, rants, and thoughts. Before I knew it, I had completely filled six tapes with audio. It was a gift that changed the course of my life.

An Outlet for Never-Ending Thoughts

Talking into a recorder absolutely served as a healthy outlet for my active mind, as my mom intended, but it became much more than that for me. It led to my next creative avenue: writing.

Recording my thoughts helped me organize, remember, and build upon them enough to put them down on paper. Those thoughts racing through my head became first place prizes in school writing competitions and, today, an average of 300 pages a year of journaling (no kidding!), published short stories, poems, articles, and even skits and scripts for stand-up comedy.

Turns out that there was nothing wrong with having a wild sea of thoughts raging inside of me. I wasn’t doomed to be annoying or overbearing, as I had feared. Through the right lens and care, I could make like an alchemist and turn each drop of the raging ocean into gold.

[Read: “I Never Shut Up. Exercise and Therapy Helped with That.”]

When my boyfriend recently asked me, “Where do you get all your ideas? Aren’t you worried that you’re going to run out?” I shrugged. “No, actually, I’m not worried about running out of thoughts,” I said, borrowing a line from Shrek. “It’s getting ‘em to shut up that’s the trick!”

Excessive Talking in Children with ADHD: Next Steps

• Free Download: Your Child’s Unique “ADHDisms”
• Self-Test: Does My Child Have Hyperactive Impulsive ADHD?
• Q&A: Should I Tell My Son That He Has A Motor Mouth?

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It turns out I was not alone. As a mental health educator and psychoeducator today, I often hear from parents and families about the distress they feel ahead of meeting with their child’s educational support team.

School meetings are critical because they allow us families to gather needed information and promote beneficial changes to a child’s education. Yet, we can feel powerless at times. We may also vicariously experience the trauma and shame associated with disability during these meetings.

So, how can we best support ourselves during an IEP/504 meeting (or any advocacy meeting) so we can fully support our kids? Here are some tips I’ve gathered from families, professionals, and my own parenting experiences over the years:

1. You don’t have to do it alone. IEP and 504 meetings can feel even more daunting if you feel isolated. Remember that you can bring a trusted family member or healthcare advocate with you. Beyond being a calming presence, a relative or trusted friend can help by making sure that you express your key points, stay on track, and ask pointed questions. Your support person can also help you debrief after the meeting.

[Get This Free Download: How to Make School Meetings Count]

2. Write out your questions and concerns ahead of time. Whether you use a phone, laptop, notepad, or an old-school clipboard, jot down any questions that come to mind well before your meeting. Chances are that you have many concerns. Writing down your thoughts will help you to keep organized and to fit your important concerns into the limited time allotted. Also, take notes during the meeting if you want to remember details and worry that you won’t!

3. Go ahead and ask your questions. Just like you might have heard from your favorite teacher growing up: No question is a stupid question. Ask questions, seek clarification, and gather information without worrying about feeling self-conscious. It’s your right.

4. Remember that everyone on the IEP team is trying their best. Most educational professionals are spread thin, overworked, underpaid, and burnt out. Keeping this in mind should help you to communicate with kindness and compassion. If you’re concerned about nervousness giving your speech an unintended edge or otherwise hindering effective communication, try roleplaying with a supportive friend who will give you honest feedback.

5. Commit to following up. You can request a review of your child’s plan at any time. Make sure you collect the contact info of all those in attendance at the meeting so that you can reach out if a new issue arises. Don’t be afraid to express that the plan isn’t working and needs revamping if need be.

[Read: 9 Ways IEPs Fall Apart]

6. Remember, Rome wasn’t built in a day. Be a fierce advocate for your child, but also keep in mind that educational advocacy is a process that takes trial, error, and refinement over time.

Parenting a child with an atypical neurotype isn’t always easy. Advocacy isn’t, either. The silver lining? We grow through meeting challenges. We become stronger and develop more confidence as we become used to the role of advocate. In fighting for your child’s needs, you may find a voice you didn’t know you had.

IEP Meeting Anxiety: Next Steps

• Free Download: Mid-Year Checkup Guide for Students with ADHD
• Read: How Should I Prepare for an IEP Meeting?
• Read: How to Get the ADHD Accommodations Your Child Needs

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Over the past 10 years, I’ve learned to sew and knit mittens, bake bread, bake sourdough bread (a completely different process), decorate cakes, cook and preserve a variety of foods, make candles, craft homemade lip balm and lotion, and edit with Photoshop. I volunteered with Big Brothers Big Sisters, ran four half marathons and three full marathons, did a triathlon, and a (maybe ill-advised) mountain race, all as I earned a master’s degree.

I’m on a side quest right now. I am writing a biology unit even though my school doesn’t currently offer a biology class. Should I devote my time to other lessons? Probably. But I tend to plan my lessons as they come to me. I’ve learned that my best work comes when I follow my creative instincts. Even if I forced myself to work linearly, I know it would result in subpar lesson plans.

[Read: Why the ADHD Brain Chooses the Less Important Task]

I don’t list these side quests, many of which I consider accomplishments, to brag, (I am not particularly good at any of the above) but to emphasize that if anyone knows about ADHD side quests – the good and the not-so-good parts of them – it’s me. I can’t tell you how many times I’d set out to do something, like clean my kitchen, only to spend that time doing anything but, like perfecting my baking skills. As frustrating as it is to stray from my intentions (I ended up with yummy bread and a dirtier kitchen), I firmly believe that all the side quests I’ve embarked on have served me in the long run. I also know that this breadth of learning is only possible when I lean into my ADHD.

What’s Life – and Learning – Without Side Quests?

While funny, the ADHD meme suggests that side quests and non-linear paths are ultimately wasteful. It’s a mentality I see in the field of education, which is quick to discourage and even punish side quests and non-linear approaches. Students are largely taught to complete the main quest using only a handful of accepted procedures, without room for detours. It’s a mentality that negatively affects students who learn differently, including students with ADHD, who come to learn to view their condition as an impediment to academic success.

Side quests, I say, are not wasteful. Even within video games, you can earn rewards for playing side quests and gain skills that eventually aid in completing the main quest. If you shut off the game after finishing a handful of side quests, without so much as attempting the main quest, you would still consider it a success, if not a good time.

How can we bring this approach to learning? I have a few ideas.

[Read: Stifled Creativity and Its Damaging Impact on the ADHD Brain]

1. Recognize that success and learning come in many forms. Point A to Point B may work for some students, but some of us need to stop at Points C through F, with a layover at stoichiometry and a quick detour to the American Revolution.

2. Provide opportunities to go down the rabbit hole. We should encourage students to take tangents and scratch those exploratory itches. My students get two days at the end of each term for digging deeper into a topic that was particularly interesting to them and then sharing with the class. It’s an opportunity to hyperfocus that also increases engagement, and it teaches students to view tangents and side quests in a positive light.

3. Reframe mistakes as opportunities for growth and learning. Mistakes and snags are part of learning (we can even consider them as side quests of their own), but it’s not always pleasant to brush up against them, whether they happen on side quests or the main quest. Take a page from video games, where failure doesn’t really exist and mistakes aren’t the end of the world. You may lose the round, but you’re allowed to play and play, using what you’ve learned until you get it right and move on to the next level.

How to Engage Students: Next Steps

• Read: “How Teachers Can Initiate and Promote Inclusive Education”
• Read: “Why Curious, Questioning Students are Highly Underrated”
• Read: How to Encourage Creativity in Children with ADHD

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One trademark of ADHD is low levels of dopamine, a neurotransmitter released by the brain that makes kids feel good and helps them focus. Increasing dopamine in the brain through medication is an effective treatment for ADHD. However, more than a year into a nationwide stimulant shortage, parents still struggle to fill prescriptions for their kids.

As the shortage stretches on, many caregivers are working to implement ADHD treatment tactics without medication. Here are some gut health strategies to consider.

Don’t Skip Meals

The way your child’s brain works is influenced by what they eat, and good nutrition is essential. Eating unhealthy, non-nutritious foods may contribute to inattention and problematic behaviors, while a diet with a variety of healthy foods nourishes the brain to pay attention and function optimally.

[Free Download: 5 Rules for an ADHD-Friendly Diet]

A study in Cell Metabolism found that dopamine release in the brain can occur at two different times: when food is swallowed and once the food reaches the stomach.¹ Skipping a meal robs the body of two potential releases of dopamine. If your child is not hungry, try to keep them on a regular meal schedule to help regulate opportunities for dopamine release. Healthy snacks help, too. A protein-rich diet, including fish, poultry, eggs, and legumes (e.g., beans, lentils, peas, etc.), can help increase dopamine levels.

Introduce Variety

Many kids with ADHD want to eat the same things every day, but doing so may mean they miss out on producing more of that feel-good hormone. Research has also found a strong connection between gut health and mental health. ² A healthy gut is best described as having a diverse microbiome, consisting of different types of microorganisms (bacteria, fungi, viruses, etc.) that coexist harmoniously in the digestive tract. Increasing the diversity of your child’s gut microbiome with a protein-rich diet, including fish, poultry, eggs, and legumes (e.g., beans, lentils, peas, etc.), ensures that dopamine can be adequately synthesized.

Introduce new foods slowly and in a variety of ways. For example, pick a vegetable your child usually eats and connect it to another vegetable or legume. So if your child eats raw carrots, pair them with a dip made of puréed red peppers or smooth refried beans. If your child prefers crunchy foods, make crunchy cooked veggies in the oven or air fryer. Experiment with spices, too. Offering your child small tastes (repeatedly) will build their acceptance of new foods. Kids are more likely to expand their taste and preference for new foods when given multiple chances to learn about and experience new food.

[Free Download: Meal-Planning Guide for ADHD Families]

Mindful Eating

Young children, especially those with ADHD, may be easily distracted during mealtimes. Make it a point to give your child a heads-up on what’s for dinner and when it will be served. Kids with ADHD do best when they know what to expect and follow a schedule. Then, turn off all electronic devices, including the TV, while eating to limit distractions. If possible, sit and eat together at the table. This lets your child know that during meals, it’s time to pause (even for a minute) and focus on eating. This is also a great time to share a moment with your child.

Gut Health Strategies for Treating ADHD: Next Steps

• Read: The ADHD Diet Plan: Healthy Foods and Supplements for Kids & Adults 
• Read: Food Therapy: The Right Nutrition for ADHD Symptoms
• Download: ADHD Brain Food: What to Eat, What to Avoid
• Watch: “What to Eat, What to Avoid: The ADHD Guide to Food and Nutrition for Children”

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The opinions expressed in ADDitude Guest Blogs are solely those of the User, who may or may not have medical or scientific training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of ADDitude. Blogs are not reviewed by an ADDitude physician or any member of the ADDitude editorial staff for accuracy, balance, objectivity, or any other reason except for compliance with our Terms and Conditions. Some of these opinions may contain information about treatments or uses of drug products that have not been approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration. ADDitude does not endorse any specific product, service or treatment.

Do not consider ADDitude Blogs as medical advice. Never delay or disregard seeking professional medical advice from your doctor or other qualified healthcare provider because of something you have read on ADDitude. You should always speak with your doctor before you start, stop, or change any prescribed part of your care plan or treatment. ADDitude understands that reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment from a qualified health care provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor or dial 911 immediately.

Sources

¹Thanarajah, S.E., Backes, H., DiFeliceantonio, A.G., Albus, K., Cremer, A.L., Hanssen, R., Lippert, R.N., Cornely, O.A., Small, D.M., Brüning, J.C., Tittgemeyer, M. (2018) Food Intake Recruits Orosensory and Post-ingestive Dopaminergic Circuits to Affect Eating Desire in Humans. Cell Metabolism. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cmet.2018.12.006

²Chen, Y., Xu, J., Chen, Y. (2021). Regulation of Neurotransmitters by the Gut Microbiota and Effects on Cognition in Neurological Disorders. Nutrients. https://doi.org/10.3390/nu13062099