Why am I like this? Why is everything such a struggle?

These are the questions that would plague me as soon as I’d wake up. There would be an avalanche of tumbling thoughts accompanied by fruitless resolutions to do better today than I did yesterday and most of the days of the past 50 years of my life.

Shoulds and have-tos mounted before I even sat up in bed. Procrastination began immediately. Today, I’d proclaim, I’ll start getting ready as soon as I have my coffee. But… I didn’t. Merely getting into the shower was a battle. By the time I was ready, I was already running behind. Again.

Most of the days in my life looked like this. I’m an adult, I’d tell myself. I’ve been an adult for decades. So why can’t I ever manage to plug my intentions into my motor cortex and just DO things without an epic struggle through resistance?

As Brené Brown told Tim Ferriss: “Midlife… is not a crisis. It’s a slow, brutal unraveling.” For most of my life, cycles of procrastination and panic-induced productivity got me through things — more or less. But when I reached midlife, burnout was increasingly winning these battles. My old constant companion, anxiety, was just sort of there, hanging out like the parasite it was. Cranked up to 11, yes, but what good was it if it could no longer motivate me like it used to?

The Midlife Shift

Today, when I wake up, there’s no wave of anxiety, no dread of getting out of bed. I pour a cup of coffee and sit at my window, watching the birds. I take my time in the morning. My one rule for early mornings is to not engage in screen time right after waking. I sit and sip and let my mind wander.

[Download This Free Guide to Menopause and ADHD]

After journaling and meditating, it’s time for breakfast. I get ready at my own pace. My morning routine takes a long time, but I can afford to take my time. I schedule my days to allow it, because this is what my mind and body want. This sets the tone for the day.

Then comes work. I step gently through my to-do list, taking breaks when I need to. I switch tasks, working for a short block at each. The pacing is enough to prevent boredom and frustration, while still giving each task enough time to make some progress. I’m so much more consistent than I used to be; I make a little progress on each project each day. No more default procrastination, unable to start a task until I’m right up against — or past — an appointment or a deadline, then relying on intense stress to push through.

What changed?

An ADHD Diagnosis After Menopause

I was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 52. Like many women with ADHD, I was diagnosed after menopause, when a drop in hormones makes symptoms much more apparent. Despite no medical professional ever spotting it before, my ADHD, as my diagnostician put it, “isn’t subtle.” He had to walk me through a meltdown over the phone when I couldn’t get through the questionnaire for my evaluation.

I’ll never forget the sense of gratification and relief I felt as I looked at his report. I read his clinical judgments for the degree of impairment for each symptom: “Severe.” “Severe.” “Severe.” Or sometimes, “Moderate to severe.”

[We Demand Attention: A Call for Research on ADHD and the Menopausal Transition]

After learning what having ADHD really meant — being wired for executive functioning difficulties — I was finally able to be compassionate and accepting toward the way I operated. My struggles and limitations started to make sense.

Starting Over

I tried a thought experiment: What if I start to regard all my supposed flaws and weaknesses — my absentmindedness, my inability to focus, the way I was always running late, how desperately hard it was to start any task — as features I simply have to work with, with no moral condemnation attached to them?

This was a major reversal from the way I had previously moved through my life. This meant starting over with a mindset that I hadn’t had since almost before my earliest memories. And with that, everything shifted.

I started to schedule around my energy levels, instead of what I thought I “should” be able to do. For example, I stopped thinking of 40-hour (or more) work weeks as somehow being optimal. Instead, I asked myself what I could do with part-time hours, so that I could live without constant burnout.

By understanding executive dysfunction and the constant fatigue of working with a very messy high-octane brain, I radically dialed back my demands of myself. I learned to work within my window of tolerance.

I stopped thinking of my energy limits as temporary obstacles, to be dismissed or plowed through. This was my wiring. It’s not going to change. This is what I have to work with.

Midlife ADHD and Menopause: Next Steps

• Free Download: Women, Hormones, & ADHD
• Read: ADHD Impairment Peaks in Menopause
• Read: Hormonal Changes & ADHD — A Lifelong Tug-of-War

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I pack my things into my mini backpack and out the door I go. This is the beginning of a 4.75-mile rumination out in beautiful nature, with a quarter mile at the end reserved for noticing and enjoying said nature — 112 minutes of rumination and 8 minutes of awe.

Life is good. The weather is clear and welcoming. The trail is all mine. These are perfect conditions to start my dive into a deep, negative, ruminative trance. Soon I’ll be sucked into an intricately engineered inner-dialogue of ADHD angst, despair, and huffy ire — exactly what you’d want to be doing on a walk through the open-air beauty of the outdoors.

Not.

My Ruminations: Negative ADHD Thoughts Galore

My ADHD ruminations are usually born from a simple thought that bugs me just enough to spur further thought. Soon this little bug-thought grows into a goliath insect that lumbers like a creepy thing beside me for most of my precious time on the trail. Life is short. Trail walks are even shorter. Ruminations are hungry wasps that will eat up all my time if I let them.

My walking ruminations tend to be hypothetical conversations with people in my life — central or peripheral. I invent their words and my responses to them. None of it is real, it’s negative or positive, and it continues unabated because it feels impossible to halt.

[Read: 9 Calming Strategies for a Racing, Restless Mind]

At times, my ruminations are practice-talk for the future, which can be a good thing. I might practice what I’d say in a personal conversation, an ADHD coaching session with a client, or a presentation. These are helpful. Other times, these imaginary dialogues bring me down because they trash the opportunity to be positive. They invent and reinforce worst-case scenarios. They also trick my brain into thinking that my life really is a negative soup — all based on a complete fabrication.

It’s a Pattern: Putting a Stop to Negative Thoughts

Ruminations take over my mind and it feels as if I have no choice — but I do. But how do I choose if I don’t always realize I have options?

In the book ADHD 2.0, Edward Hallowell, M.D., and John Ratey, M.D., explain how our ADHD brains spend more time in the Default Mode Network (DMN) than does a non-ADHD brain. This DMN is where we generate our creative thinking — for better and for worse. My active DMN is what the trees along my walking trail can thank for my loud kvetching as I pass by.

But I knew all this and yet kept walking and fretting. Then, one day, a wave of nostalgia hit me when a song came on my phone during one of my rumination walks. It was a song I listened to during my COVID walks when the world shut down. Just as it did on those pandemic walks, the tune sparked in me a practiced response: teary-eyed sadness.

[Read: How to Stop Overthinking Things — A User’s Manual for Your ADHD Brain]

Then it hit me: Wait a second. There is no sad situation right now. COVID and that challenging time is over. That song was sparking an old, habituated response and it dawned on me that this was akin to what my ruminations do. They spur in me a practiced response to something that isn’t there. It’s a mirage, fake, not true. It showed me how far from reality my mind can stray, and how easily and quickly it gets there.

“Steph,” I said, “you don’t have to practice this response all the time. You don’t have to practice it at all.”

So, on that walk, I didn’t. I let it go. I squelched the beginnings of a new rumination. I quieted my mind because suddenly I saw that my reality was quite peaceful and secure. There were trees and birds. There was sun and a special time I could spend in nature. In that moment, I moved from ruminator extraordinaire to grateful me because, for once, I could just be without the struggle. I can’t describe how freeing that was.

Ruminating Thoughts and ADHD: Next Steps

• Free Download: 9 Truths About ADHD and Intense Emotions
• Read: How to Stop Catastrophizing — A Guide for ADHD Worriers
• Read: ADHD Lessons from Ultrarunning — Accept Help and Support Your Needs
• Read: Putting a Stop to Toxic Thoughts

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The Benefits of Play

Play – engaging in a fun, amusing, entertaining, activity for the joy of it – is an effective way to boost the feel-good hormone dopamine that so many ADHD brains crave. Dopamine reduces stress and brings calm, promotes creativity and cooperation, and even reduces inflammation. Play can also individuals help break out of hyperfocus, which can lead to ADHD burnout if left uninterrupted. Play allows the body and mind to rest, process, and restore its energy to make it through another day.

Fitting in Play

Play isn’t just for children. It’s as important as everything else on your to-do list. But what counts as play? According to Peter Gray, Ph.D., the psychologist and author, play is:

[Read: The Perils of All Work, No Play]

• self-chosen and self-directed
• intrinsically motivated rather that outcome based
• guided by mental rules that leave room for creativity
• imaginative
• conducted in an alert, active, but relatively non-stressed frame of mind

The possibilities for play, it seems, are endless! All things creative and artistic fit – from playing an instrument and painting to building puzzles and making up games. Still, integrating play through the day can seem impossible with a busy schedule. In her TEDx Talk “Play: The Cure for Burnout,” Acey Holmes, CEO of BoredLess, suggests weaving play into everyday situations and responsibilities to make them interesting or entertaining. Some ideas include the following:

• Listen to your favorite music while doing chores or work duties – and perhaps break out in dance while you’re at it.
• Institute play breaks in between tasks. One of my clients loves the Paint by Number coloring app to let her mind wander creatively through the day. Setting an alarm may prevent your mind from wandering so far off track that it can’t return.
• In the spaces where you get work done, introduce appealing scents and imagery you find fun or inspiring.
• Equip your workspace with toys (anything from LEGOs to fidgets) that light up your brain.
• Play a harmless prank on family members to get everyone’s laughter going.

Whichever way you integrate play into your life, know that it is a powerful way to manage stress and increase productivity and joy — ADHD or otherwise. Even if things feel overwhelming, try looking for at least one way to play each day. You may be surprised by how easy it is to rediscover play once you pay attention to it.

Portions of this post were inspired by my book: Powered by ADHD: Strategies and Exercises for Women to Harness Their Untapped Gifts.

How to Be Playful: Next Steps

• Read: 7 Keys to Living a Happy Life with ADHD
• Read: 5 Ways to Play Away ADHD Boredom
• Read: Are You a Player?

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
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References

Quintero, Olga L., et al. “Autoimmune disease and gender: plausible mechanisms for the female predominance of autoimmunity.” Journal of autoimmunity 38.2-3 (2012): J109-J119.

Brauer, K., Scherrer, T., & Proyer, R. T. (2021). Testing the Associations Between Adult Playfulness and Sensation Seeking: A SEM Analysis of Librarians and Police Officers. Frontiers in psychology, 12, 667165. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.667165

Distance runners anticipate difficulties and know to support themselves in any way possible to get to the finish line. It’s a given – they don’t think twice about it and don’t get hung up on it, either.

In our daily lives, especially as folks with ADHD, we fall into the trap of thinking we don’t need help, or that we’re wimpy if we accept help or create supportive structures for ourselves. Others don’t need this, we think.

Here’s that flawed logic applied to running: Why does the newbie runner need to stop and rest every half mile? The ultrarunner can go many miles before needing to stop. Therefore, the newbie must be a wimp, or worse, incapable.

A non-runner might assume this of a newbie, but ultrarunners know this couldn’t be farther from the truth. An early runner has needs, just as a later-stage runner does. Needs are needs.

[Read: Silence Your Harshest Critic — Yourself]

Once five miles becomes easy-peasy for the early runner, they realize they only arrived at that point because they gave themselves what they needed to be someone who can run five miles. With that experience, they’ll readily tell the next newbie runner to make sure to stop and rest the legs and heart every half mile. It’s the only way to get to five miles.

Needs are Needs: When Ultrarunning Meets Real Life

This logic – of supporting our needs to become who we want to be – applies to anything and everything. If we accept a tutor to help us, then eventually we’ll be someone who got through a class instead of one who didn’t. If we fully show up to therapy or coaching, then we eventually become someone who tackles the challenges in front of us instead of skirting them. If we externalize the content of our brains with systems, we become someone who forgets less rather than someone who continues to forget.

Guess who all these early-stage self-supporters become? People who make inroads into becoming the kind of person who has wins, and those wins beget more wins. The more support, the more wins.

I got to the point in my abilities as a runner that I would have said yes, without a second thought, if you asked me to run a 50-miler the following weekend.

When you read the prior sentence, did you picture me as someone who was so trained that I needed a lot less than an early-stage runner? I’ll let you in on a secret: I was a running diva. I had far more available at hand than an early-stage runner could imagine was possible. The more experienced I got, the more I learned how much support was out there to take for myself — and I took it.

[Read: My 25 Rules for Life — a Practical Cure for ADHD Shame and Stagnation]

I say this all the time to people: Do you think successful people have more support or less? They have far more, and it’s because they’re more likely to ask for it and give it to themselves.

Why would it be any different for us when the road to success means we’ll need to support our ADHD and account for our needs?

It wouldn’t.

The Long Haul with ADHD

Remembering to hand in work, showing up on time at work, getting out of a rabbit hole, staying on task, organizing our workspace, regulating our emotions — these are our daily five-mile runs.

Graduating from school, nabbing a promotion at work, becoming an accomplished person, becoming a person who has practiced options for staying calm in stressful situations — these are our long-distance runs.

The only way to become a champion — in anything — is to give ourselves what we need to push through. As you run your own race, take any and all support without question, without apology. That’s a champion mindset.

ADHD Life Lessons: Next Steps

• Read: 20 Rules to Live By — My ADHD Life Guide
• Read: Sports Psychology Tricks That Work for ADHD Brains
• Read: Your Strengths Inventory — Repairing Self-Esteem After an ADHD Diagnosis

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

“Someone with imposter syndrome feels like a fraud or a phony,” writes Sharon Saline, Psy.D. “You doubt your abilities and successes, believing that your mistakes and moments of imperfection are proof that you’re not an intelligent person.”

According to Saline, imposter syndrome, rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD), social anxiety, and perfectionism – all common among individuals with ADHD – can be traced back to one thing: a core belief of deficiency.

Answer these questions to see whether you show signs of imposter syndrome, and to what degree. Find more resources on imposter syndrome at the end of this self-test.

The questions in this resource were informed, in part, from the ADDitude article titled “You Are Enough: How to Counteract Imposter Syndrome, Perfectionism, and RSD” by Sharon Saline, Psy.D., and from research literature on imposter syndrome. ^{1 2}

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Imposter Syndrome: Next Steps

• Read: When Perfectionism Stems from ADHD – Challenging the Fallacy of “Not Good Enough”
• Read: You Are Not the Sum of Your ADHD Challenges
• Read: Why ADHD Masking Is a Form of Self-Sabotage
• Read: Fear of Failure Holds Me Back. How Do I Let Go of Past Mistakes?
• Watch: How to Interrupt the Cycle of Self-Sabotage

Sources

¹ Huecker MR, Shreffler J, McKeny PT, et al. Imposter Phenomenon. [Updated 2023 Jul 31]. In: StatPearls [Internet]. Treasure Island (FL): StatPearls Publishing; 2024 Jan-. Available from: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK585058/

² Chandra, S., Huebert, C. A., Crowley, E., & Das, A. M. (2019). Impostor Syndrome: Could It Be Holding You or Your Mentees Back?. Chest, 156(1), 26–32. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chest.2019.02.325

What’s it like to live with two neurotypes with overlapping and sometimes opposing traits? How do features commonly associated with autism — like strict adherence to routines, special interests, and stimming — harmonize or clash with ADHD features like hyperfocus, impulsivity, and novelty-seeking? How do common experiences with social functioning and masking show up? Here’s what ADDitude readers told us about the AuDHD experience and what they wish the world knew about living with autism and ADHD.

“I often feel like a living contradiction. I want order but cannot maintain it. I want to be systematic and precise but struggle with it, which leaves me constantly feeling not good enough (to my own standards) and like I can never quite ‘get there.’” — Samantha, Australia

“They require opposing needs sometimes. For example, I will often need a schedule to get things done, but a schedule that is too strict will feel conflicting. Generally, though, they help me have a unique and creative outlook on life. I am a hard worker and both good with the details and making quick connections. I can see to the heart of things. Being AuDHD doesn’t make my life as hard as being in a fundamentally ableist world does.” — Kaz

“They both amplify my executive functioning differences and sensory challenges. Medicating my ADHD also allows me to ‘push through’ some of my autism differences, which often leads to burnout and sleep issues. Sometimes my traits are in conflict, like wanting to take my time and be perfect but not having the attention span to do so. My ADHD brain signs me up for more than my autistic brain can deliver at times and vice versa.” — Dan, Australia

[Get This Free Resource: Autism Evaluation Checklist]

“When I do not have to box myself into typical working patterns, I find that autism and ADHD become complementary partners. I can create intricate plans while maintaining creative curiosity and flexibility. In terms of creative projects, this works wonderfully and allows a productive organic flow. What I wish others understood about me is that it’s the rigidity of the world that’s stopped me expressing myself and being productive. If I’m given the space, I can do wonderful things. The suffering comes when all of this magic is inhibited by fear in doing things differently.” — Chris, United Kingdom

“When my adult son misses social cues or feels socially awkward because of his ASD, the rejection sensitive dysphoria from his ADHD kicks into high gear, creating a cycle of embarrassment and frustration.” — Heather, Wisconsin

“I find they conflict often. My autistic brain is very logical and controlled, while my ADHD brain is ‘Yay! Just do it!’ It is exhausting.” — An ADDitude Reader

“My ADHD wants a million things to hyperfocus on while my ASD is happy with one or two. My ADHD wants to do ‘all the things,’ my ASD gets overwhelmed by it. They’re constantly clashing, so I look for ways I can support one with the other.” — Sharyn, Australia

[Read: How Can I Get Evaluated for Autism as an Adult?]

“I have diagnoses of both autism and ADHD, but I view these less as things I ‘have’ and more as labels that can go on my medical records to legitimize my difficulties with attention, memory, self-regulation, and verbal communication. Neither label on its own nor the combination is totally accurate to describe my disability. I wish that people understood that, while my mannerisms, difficulty communicating my needs, and difficulty regulating my own behavior may seem childlike, I’m a mature adult. Ideally, I would like support with these skills without being infantilized as I frequently feel I am.” — An ADDitude Reader

“I’m 51 and only started with ADHD medication this year. I’m a master at masking, and over all of these years I was able to find a balance between the two to function for the most part in ‘normal’ society. When I started Ritalin, it was magic for my ADHD symptoms, but what I didn’t see (but my psychiatrist and those around me did) was that my autism came out in full force. It was terrible for me at work, affecting relationships with colleagues negatively as well as with my husband. So I was switched to another medication, which frankly doesn’t work so well at all, but still sufficiently dampens my autistic traits. I am by no means expecting perfection, but I have yet to find a balance with which I’m satisfied.” — An ADDitude Reader

“My symptoms make me somewhat of an outcast, especially as an adult, in most situations. Both disorders cause me to miss social cues or misunderstand them. It’s likely why I constantly overshare. I am incredibly fidgety and stim all the time. I am always looking for some kind of dopamine-producing situation, so I’m easily distracted and/or bored and I hyperfocus a lot. Some benefits of being AuDHD include hyperfocus, love of menial tasks, calming down by stimming, ease in talking to new people, and sympathy/empathy for others.” — Jordan, California

“Not understanding myself and what AuDHD is — that is what hurts my mental health the most. I think I would value myself and my quirks more if I understood myself better from a neurodivergent perspective rather than a broken neurotypical one. I was diagnosed late and I’m struggling to accept that my life didn’t have to be this hard.” — CJ, Australia

“The biggest challenge with autism is spending lots of time figuring out what everyone means or why they behave in certain ways and how I’m meant to respond. Combined with ADHD and trying to get through the day with the jumble in my head and a brain that never stops, I’m exhausted a lot of the time. Exercise really helps. I’ve given up wanting or needing others to understand me.” — An ADDitude Reader

“I live with both ADHD and autism. I am very newly diagnosed and I am still working through all of the self-forgiveness that comes with realizing that my underachievement in life, emotionality, super-strong empathy, and easily-overwhelmed nature are not character flaws. I can see the benefits, such as being a very observant person who finds beauty in things that many people don’t tend to notice. I know I am lucky to feel things as keenly as I do but these traits also get in the way of feeling and acting ‘normally.’ I constantly wonder how other people have such thick skin. I also think that my ADHD — especially impulsiveness, big-picture thinking, optimism, and creative drive — tends to pull me out of bouts of depression that my autism would otherwise remain in. A tug of war is how it often feels, and if I look at my feelings/mood/outgoingness over a two-week period, some days will look the absolute opposite of others.” — Kellie

“Autism makes me an extreme rule follower. When ADHD impulsivity comes into play, it makes me angry with myself because I’ve ‘broken a rule.’ Both can play into agoraphobia and social interaction; At any point, I am either trying to either blend into the wall or thinking about how abnormal I am even as I try to chat and sound normal.” — Sandy, Massachusetts

“Autism makes some routine necessary. ADHD rebels against it. I have to make routines that allow me to change out parts. AuDHD keeps my life from becoming boring.” — Cassandra

“I was recently diagnosed with autism at the age of 63. I am female, so maybe that is why my diagnosis came late. I’ve known about my ADHD for many years. I didn’t always like myself, being so odd and all, but now I am fine with it. Actually, I don’t want to be like other people. I may be odd, but I am also gifted and you will not forget me. Getting older allows you to become who you were always meant to be, and that is very good.”. — Jane, Texas

AuDHD: Next Steps

• Self-Test: Autism in Adults
• Read: ADHD and Adult Autism – Symptoms, Diagnosis & Interventions for Both
• Read: “Could I Be Autistic, Too?” Signs of Autism in Women with ADHD
• Read: “How I’m Improving the Workplace for Adults with Autism”
• Get the Free eBook “The Truth About Autism in Adults”

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Sources

¹ Hours, C., Recasens, C., & Baleyte, J. M. (2022). ASD and ADHD Comorbidity: What Are We Talking About?. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 13, 837424. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2022.837424

² Rong, Y., Yang, C-J, Jin Y, Wang Y. (2021). Prevalence of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder in individuals with autism spectrum disorder: a meta-analysis. Res Autism Spectr Disord. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.rasd.2021.101759

The following four defense mechanisms commonly develop among individuals with ADHD:

Blaming

Blaming as a defense mechanism looks like making others responsible for the occurrence of an ADHD symptom and its consequences, as seen in the following examples:

Your child forgets that an assignment is due. The due date was posted and announced, yet they blame the teacher for not being clear enough about the deadline.

You arrive late to an event. You didn’t give yourself enough time to get there, yet you blame traffic or the slow driver in front of you for showing up late.

[Read: 7 Self-Defeating Behaviors That Aggravate ADHD – and How to Fix Them]

You forget to pay a bill. You blame your partner for mixing the bill with other papers, even though it was in your court to set a reminder for yourself to pay the bill – and put it on autopay.

Defensiveness

Responding in angry, confrontational ways that deflect from the issue rather than address it marks this defense mechanism. The following are examples of defensiveness:

Your teen arrived late to school and missed their first period class. You try to talk to them about it, but your child tells you to mind your own business or lashes out. Tensions rise.

Your partner mentions that you still haven’t cleaned out the garage like you said you would do for months now. You quickly get angry and deflect. “Well, you haven’t cleaned out your closet in a long time either,” you say. A fight breaks out, and everyone feels miserable.

[Read: Why You Lash Out — Sometimes for No Good Reason]

Minimizing

Minimizing occurs when you respond to complaints or disapproval about your ADHD symptoms by minimizing their effects on yourself or others. For example, you meet a friend half an hour later than you both planned. You notice that your friend is visibly upset, but you downplay your lateness, telling your friend “it’s no big deal.” Your friend gets even more upset, frustrated that you don’t seem to care about them or understand the effect of your actions.

Dishonesty

Not being truthful is a defense mechanism that causes lots of distress for families who are terrified about what it means about their child or partner’s character. But lying or stretching the truth, like other defense mechanisms, often come up in an effort to avoid shame and conflict. It’s also a method to save energy and avoid fatigue. (Living in a neurotypical world, after all, is exhausting.)

How to Break ADHD Defense Mechanisms

Let go of defense mechanisms by humbly owning up to ADHD symptoms as they arise.

• Know your strengths and areas of need. When do these defense mechanisms come up the most? What actions, no matter how small, can you take to manage the problem area?
• Apologize if you upset someone. As painful as it may feel to own up to an ADHD symptom, an apology shows others that you’re aware of how your actions – even if unintended – affected them. Be genuine in your apology. Say, “I’m sorry I made you wait. I should have gotten in the shower an hour earlier. I will work on that. I will text you ahead of time and let you know if I’m running late.”
• Seek to improve, not to perfect. If paying bills on time has always been a tough problem area, then a good goal would be to reduce how many bills are paid late in the next month. Aiming for improvement, not perfection, will take the pressure off and allow you to make more strides.
• Perfection doesn’t exist. ADHD symptoms and traits do not make you a bad person. Be kind to yourself and remember that there are many fabulous parts to you. Embrace your gifts and humbly acknowledge the frustrating parts and commit to working on them.

If you are the parent of a child or teen with ADHD, help them adopt the above strategies and heed these tips for parents, families, and partners:

• Take an empathetic lens. ADHD is a neurological condition that makes it hard to live up to the expectations of a neurotypical world. It’s why shame and defense mechanisms develop so quickly. Treatments and supports like medication, therapy, and coaching can help your child or spouse better manage symptoms and day-to-day challenges.
• Create an accepting environment where it’s safe to talk about ADHD and defense mechanisms. This encourages honesty and problem solving.
• Remain calm when bringing up an issue. Do not explode in anger or insult. If your partner left out a piece of wood with rusty nails near your dog’s walking area (as my ADHD husband once did), say, “I noticed you left out a piece of wood with sharp nails outside. That was upsetting and dangerous because it could hurt the dog. Please be more mindful of where you place items.”
• Be curious when symptoms go unmanaged. Together, think about how they can be better managed in the future. Look for improvement rather than expecting the issue to never happen again. Your child, for example, may still have moments where they conceal the truth to avoid punishment as a result of an unmanaged ADHD symptom. Your job is to create an environment where you won’t get upset if your child isn’t telling the truth, and work with them to manage the ADHD symptom in question.

ADHD Defense Mechanisms: Next Steps

• Free Download: How to Control Your Reactions
• Read: ADHD and the Epidemic of Shame
• Read: The Magical Thinking of ADHD Brains — and How It Drives Our Kids’ Lies

Susan Ciardiello, Ph.D., LCSW, is a psychotherapist and ADHD coach. She is the author of ACTivities for Group Work with School-Age Children and ACTivities for Group Work with Adolescents. Learn more about Dr. Ciardiello by visiting her website at www.drsusanciardiello.com

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Many ADDitude readers gravitate to volunteer opportunities that make a difference while harnessing their ADHD energy and creativity. Traits like hyperfocus, justice sensitivity, and compassion, our readers say, make them well suited to be of service.

The benefits of volunteering are plentiful. Being of service with like-minded people raises self-esteem and feelings of belonging, both crucial to warding off one of the most pressing public health issues of our time: loneliness.

“Service is one of the most powerful antidotes we have to loneliness,” said U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy in his podcast House Calls. “When we help other people, that helps us feel connected to them in that moment, but it also reminds us that we have value to bring to the world.”

Here, ADDitude readers tell us how and why they devote their free time to volunteering.

The Power of Service for ADHD Brains: Benefits of Volunteering

To Increase Connections and Skills

“I volunteer for our church in different ways — being a greeter on Sunday mornings, cooking and serving meals for special events, distributing goods to those in need. Volunteering brings me out of my shell; I’ve met so many new friends.” — Gretchen, California

[Read: Resilience Begins with Responsibility — the Power of Service for Kids with ADHD]

“I volunteer on the committees of several community music groups in which I play, which gives me the benefit of having friends with shared interests and a chance to use my leadership skills. ” — Bronwyn, New Zealand

“Volunteering has helped me to get to know some of the people I serve alongside a bit better, so it definitely has that social benefit for someone like me who struggles a bit with social interactions.” — Trish, South Africa

To Raise Self-Esteem and Self-Efficacy

“My volunteer work makes me feel good about myself and useful. This is especially important to me because I don’t feel like my life has amounted to much, largely due to my ADHD. Before I retired, I was always underemployed and never found satisfying work. My volunteering connects me to other like-minded people with whom I enjoy working.” — Susan, New York

“Volunteering helps with self-esteem, drive, and purpose. It helps us lead meaningful lives. Many adults with ADHD have heard a lot of negative feedback over their lives, which can be debilitating and wearing. Volunteering helps them hone in on their strengths and shows them that their contributions are not only needed but also valued.” — Cheryl, Illinois

[Read: Perfect Is a Myth — and Other Self-Esteem Boosters]

“I volunteer as a Bible teacher. This is wonderful as it takes my focus off myself and makes me happy, as I remind myself and other people that we do not have to be perfect.” —Tanya, Australia

“I am 70 years old, and I am  in training to be a volunteer chaplain for first responders and for families/survivors of critical incidents. Volunteering, especially for those of us who are no longer tied to a full-time career, is very important for our sense of self-worth and provides us with the assurance that we are still needed. The opportunity to work and train with like-minded individuals and to give back to those on the front lines who serve and protect their communities helps me get excited about each day, even when my ADHD symptoms and other challenges wear me down.” — Cecelia

To Put ADHD Traits to Good Use

“I volunteer at the local elementary school. It gives me structure, and a never-ending stream of variety and stimulation. I feel like it’s an environment where the strengths of ADHD can really shine through. The kids love the energy and spontaneity and different ways of thinking about things, and the adults love that I bring a fresh perspective about their neurodivergent students. Besides, it doesn’t take long to pick out one of ‘my kiddos.’ It takes one to know one, and I love offering them both validation and tips. — An ADDitude Reader

“I volunteer at a Habitat for Humanity ReStore. My ADHD loves the novelty of all the new donations I process. I thrive on the organized chaos of preparing for the store to open: I hustle when the 11 a.m. opening looms! It’s also a great opportunity to be creative when staging an area.”— Michelle, Mississippi

“My enthusiasm is usually less out of place in volunteering. It also helps me to feel more useful in life generally.” — K, North Carolina

“I volunteer with kids. My ADHD helps me have the energy to engage, be spontaneous, not take myself so seriously, and be more childlike.”— Mia, Wyoming

To Explore New Worlds (Under No Pressure)

“Volunteering is a way for us with ADHD to be able to try different things or wear different hats. For example, volunteering at the library and the animal shelter are ways for me to feel a bit like both a librarian and an animal rescuer or vet assistant at once, without me necessarily having to settle on one or to need to go back to school.” — Helen, Arizona

“I volunteer as an usher at a local performing arts center. After welcoming ticket holders, I watch the performance, and I’m often left inspired. Because many ADHDers have multiple interests, volunteering is a superb way of getting involved with whatever we fancy at the time, without a huge commitment.” — Michelle, Mississippi

To Better Manage ADHD

“I taught Sunday school and directed a children’s choir. The benefits of staying busy far outweigh not having anything to do. The more activities I have going on, the better focused and organized I am. If I am not busy, I don’t get anything done and my time management goes right out the window.” — Kathleen, West Virginia

“I volunteer at my kids’ school by chaperoning field trips, proctoring tests, and assisting in the front office. I like that when I’m volunteering, I am focused solely on the task at hand whereas at home I jump from project to project, never completing anything!” — Erica, North Carolina

“When I get a chance to volunteer, it’s a lovely way to break away from my routine and remind myself that I can make friends anywhere. It also helps me learn new skills, which keeps me stimulated. Both of these factors help with my ADHD and the former also helps with my RSD.” — Kirsty, Oregon

“Volunteering in a variety of ways has given me opportunities to test my executive functioning and develop mechanisms to get things right, all while being in a low-pressure environment. (I’m not in danger of losing a job if I make a mistake or forget to do something while volunteering.)” — Trish, South Africa

To Make a Difference on Your Terms

“I worked with adult immigrants helping them learn English. The contact with others was beneficial both socially and mentally. It was challenging and provided me with variety and a sense I was making a difference.” — Kathy, Minnesota

“Being able to give back and help is so healing for me mentally. The injustices and cruelties of this world most definitely take a heavier toll on me because of my ADHD. Being able to walk away from a task or event knowing that I made a small difference helps.” — Heather, New Jersey

“I volunteer at a cat shelter, and I’ve found it satisfying because, unlike my demanding professional career, it is concrete, task-based work. I scoop the litter, refresh food and water, clean the kennels, and visit the cats. It involves little decision-making and multi-tasking. When I’m finished, I go home. I don’t have to be mentally agile, and yet I do meaningful work.” — Jean, Michigan

“In 1991, I founded and became president of the Attention Deficit Disorder Association of Missouri. We met twice a month and, at the end of the month, we had a speaker. We also had a lending library and a hotline. I also wrote a puppet show for children, teachers and anyone who wants to know about ADHD. This show won a medal from the governor. All of these things have greatly helped me learn more about my own ADHD and have taught me many ways I can help myself and my son, who also has ADHD.” — Barb, Missouri

“I volunteer often at my kids’ schools. When I worked a ‘real’ job, I couldn’t keep up. I was stressed and felt like a failure as an employee and a mother. Volunteering allows me to work at my own pace and decide which jobs I want to do or can handle. It allows me to feel accomplished. — Erin, Maryland

“I lead a small group for teenage girls, many of whom have ADHD or struggle with mental health challenges like ASD, anxiety, and depression. They’re all a bit different from the norm, which is what I love about them. I want to provide them with the kind of support, acceptance, and guidance that I wish I had when I was growing up. Educating myself on how best to facilitate this group is what led me to pursue my own ADHD diagnosis. Leading this group can be very challenging at times, but it’s also very rewarding and fulfilling to see the positive impact it has on these girls. The mental health benefit is great, because it helps me feel like I am impacting the world around me (in my own small ways) for good.” — Trish, South Africa

Interested in Volunteering? Heed These Reader Tips

“Find something that matters to you. Accept that your contribution may not be enjoyable but know that you’re making a difference.” — Kalena, Florida

“Put yourself and your skills forward and explain how you could be of benefit. Once you’re in, immerse yourself. Reflect from time to time on what is going well with volunteering and what you can improve.” — Mary, Australia

“Find an organization that can be flexible with the amount of time and level of activity you commit. That way you can make adjustments as needed before you get overwhelmed or regret your decision to volunteer. It should be a positive experience, not a burden.” — Jennifer, Missouri

“There is no shame in trying out various volunteer opportunities to see what works for you, your schedule, your internal motivations, and your experience. If you find someone who is happy volunteering, ask them what they do and don’t like about that role and organization, and compare that to what you are personally looking for.” — Cecelia

Where ADDitude Readers Volunteer

• churches and faith-based organizations
• hospitals and mental health/wellbeing groups (e.g., addiction recovery centers, crisis centers, survivors of domestic violence, CHADD, grief support)
• animal shelters, sanctuaries, zoos (e.g., horse sanctuaries, Sea Turtle Preservation Society)
• neighborhood homeowners association
• recycling, clean up, and beautification groups
• housing programs, shelters, and food banks/meal delivery services
• local, state, and national parks, conservation groups
• art organizations, libraries, and museums (e.g., film festivals, performing arts centers, historical societies)
• schools and youth organizations (e.g., Girl Scouts, Boy Scouts, PTA, alumni associations)
• sports and athletic organizations (e.g., school teams, Special Olympics)
• political and civic organizations

Benefits of Volunteering: Next Steps

• Read: The Cure for Adolescent ‘Negativity Loops?’ Community Service
• Read: 7 Keys to Living a Happy Life with ADHD
• Read: Are You Ducking and Dodging the Connections You Need Most?

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The truth is that ADHD is genuinely debilitating at times. For example, I’ve spent all day writing this, but it was originally meant to be a 10-minute edit.

There are days when I struggle with ADHD impulsivity in ways that seemingly mess up my life, even when I’m being careful and working on managing my impulses. I take responsibility for my actions, but I’ve also beaten myself up for years over past mistakes. These blips and slips do not represent who I am, my skills, or my true character.

[Do I Have Hyperactive Impulsive ADHD? Take This Test]

The Mistakes You Don’t Make

Neurotypical people tend to notice our mistakes first and, to a lesser degree, our ‘surprising’ success stories. What they don’t see are the mistakes and blips we stop ourselves from making. Most of our personal progress in managing our ADHD symptoms is invisible to others, but that doesn’t mean we should ignore or discount it. Even small steps in the right direction deserve recognition.

For example, I have a habit of saying things that come out the wrong way when I’m nervous. I’ll see the other person’s eyebrow go up, assume the worst, panic, and try to dig my way out. This has — and never will — work, especially at work.

To solve this, I stop, close my eyes, open them again, make eye contact, and say, “Sorry, that came out wrong, and now I feel a bit silly.” Then I smile, which is a positive cue, and ask a related question to regain the flow of the conversation.

Most people would shrug off this interaction, but when it happens, I know I’ve made progress. I try, in those moments, to recognize that I’m spending time and effort addressing ADHD traits that matter.

[Download This Free Guide to Managing ADHD and Intense Emotions]

Is It Worth Getting Upset?

Impulsive mistakes don’t define me; neither do first impressions and strangers’ opinions. Over time, I’ve learned to recognize and understand the difference between a royal screw-up that will have a long-term effect on my life and things that are just normal human errors or behaviors that temporarily irked someone.

Think about your past dramas. Do you still talk to the people whose opinions kept you up at night for months? Do you even remember what you actually said? Was it really that important to you or to them?

Chances are that awkward, little mortifying moment was the funniest part of the person’s otherwise boring day. It probably made you quite endearing to them, but you’re assuming the worst because a lifetime of criticism has exacerbated your RSD and accentuated your sensitivity.

Instead, I’d encourage you to embrace and try to enjoy your silly ADHD moments for what they are. You are not the first person to giggle at a funeral or accidentally interrupt an exciting conversation because you want in. Being a bit embarrassed is quite cute, and it’s okay to be nervous and feel silly. Everyone does it, and everyone puts ‘their foot in their mouth.’ If anything, you’ve probably replaced all the stress and tension in the atmosphere, and with some humanity and joy, and that is an invisible victory unto itself.

Embracing ADHD Impulsivity: Next Steps

• Read: “Riding Motorbikes and Contemplating Death with ADHD”
• Learn: When ADHD Impulsivity Jeopardizes Your Job and Friendships: 8 Expert Tips
• Download: How Mindfulness Helps Counteract Impulsivity

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

On that fateful day, my psychedelic guide gave me magic mushrooms and said, “Look at the forest one last time; you will never see it the same way again.”

To say he was right would be an understatement.

I arrived with a simple intention: to get to know myself better. What emerged were aspects of myself that I never knew existed. The psychedelic experience revealed the roots of my depression and provided insight about how to regulate my emotions — a godsend for me as I struggled with intense mood swings and disorders. Whereas therapy had failed, this journey transformed me entirely.

To be clear, it was not a magical solution that solved all my problems overnight. But my psychedelic journey gave me a vision of the destination to drive toward. It filled me with an intrinsic motivation to change the patterns that were keeping me stuck.

[Read: The Truth About Lion’s Mane, Psychedelics & Caffeine]

Fast-forward 12 years, following numerous psychedelic experiences combined with therapy: I have achieved a state of emotional stability. Severe mood swings and depression are a distant memory.

I was diagnosed with ADHD last year, and I consider this revelation the last missing piece of my puzzle. Today, I find it easy to love myself for who I am. I have developed new ways to live and embrace my ADHD brain without using medication.

Helping Others Follow the White Rabbit

In 2016, I decided that I wanted to help others by becoming a psychedelic-assisted therapy facilitator. At the time, psychedelic facilitator training programs didn’t exist, so I pursued extensive training in various modalities. I trained in inner child work and trauma integration therapy. I attended workshops and seminars conducted by experts in the field of psychedelic-assisted therapy.

Since then, I have co-founded a psychedelic-assisted therapy company and guided hundreds of people through psilocybin journeys in the Netherlands, where this work is legal. The changes I have witnessed in people, especially those with ADHD and neurodiversity, have been nothing short of astounding.

[From WebMD: A Long, Strange Trip — Psychedelics Meet Mainstream Medicine]

Most of the people undergoing this form of therapy experience significant changes in their lives, overcome addictions and depression, transform their self-doubt, and reduce their rejection sensitivity.

It is important to say that this therapy is not for everyone, nor is it a one-size-fits-all solution. Individuals who are prone to psychosis, diagnosed with schizophrenia or bipolar disorder, or who have a family history of these conditions should abstain from this therapy.

That said, it helped me to redefine my life, and I hope it can benefit others like me.

Psychedelic Assisted Therapy: Next Steps

• Free Download: Free Guide to the Top 5 Vitamins and Supplements for ADHD
• Read: LSD, MDMA, Magic Mushrooms Clinical Trial Guidelines Released by FDA
• Read: Real Stories of Using Ketamine for Depression, Anxiety, PTSD
• Read: “Therapy Helped Me…”

Alice Smeets is a neurodivergent psilocybin-assisted therapy facilitator and co-founder of A Whole New High, which offers guided, private psilocybin therapy sessions and group retreats in the Netherlands.

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Here are some of the reflections, self-directed pep talks, sayings, and favorite inspiring quotes that readers shared:

“I am a good person. I deserve love. I am calm. I am peace.”

“My emotions are valid, and I am allowed to have them.”

“This is only temporary. You will not feel this way forever, even though it seems that way. Breathe through it.”

[Free Download: Emotional Regulation & Anger Management Scripts]

“Feelings aren’t facts.”

“I am free to choose the palette of my emotional sky.”

“Will I care about this in a year’s time?”

“What would my 80-year-old self say to me about this?”

“Time for chocolate.”

“Now that was an ADHD moment!”

“I have enough. I do enough. I am enough.”

“When I feel like I have failed before I’ve started, I say, ‘One percent is better than no percent.'”

“I am not my diagnosis. I am made of power and love, and I am sound in mind.”

“Is this situation life-threatening? Am I okay? If this were happening to a friend, what would I say to them?”

“Don’t let doubts take up real estate in your mind. You’ve got this.”

[Read: You Are Not the Sum of Your ADHD Challenges]

“I love me.”

“I am a good enough parent; no child wants a perfect parent.”

“I’ll get there when I get there (since I’m always late).”

“My worth does not depend on my accomplishments. I have a purpose: to accept the challenges God gave me and to try my best. And that’s what I do.”

“Things are always worse in your head. This too shall pass.”

“Done is better than perfect.”

“You are doing a great job. I’m very proud of you.”

“We can’t always be the best, but we always have the choice to do our best.”

“I am confident. I am kind. I don’t care what other people think. I am in charge of my own feelings and emotions. I am going to do this one nice thing today: [fill in the blank]. And I am grateful for: [fill in the blank].”

“You’re stressed right now, but you have a history of snatching victory out of the jaws of defeat.”

“Life is an adventure or nothing at all. And adventures will make you late for dinner.”

Positive Affirmations for ADHD Adults: Next Steps

• Free Download: The ADHD Healthy Habits Handbook
• Read: 20 Rules to Live By — My ADHD Life Guide
• Read: 10 ADHD Quotes to Save for a Bad Day
• eBook: The Emotions of ADHD

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Once I left my tiny hometown and moved to the city, I found myself gravitating toward comedy clubs. I very quickly began performing, oftentimes impromptu style, and, less than a year later, I was signed on to a local, all-female comedy show.

I’ve never considered my ADHD brain to be a hindrance in the comedy world. If anything, it’s more like a secret weapon that gives me the upper hand on stage, that magical place where bouncing, bubbling, free-thinking maniacs like us take charge and absolutely shine.

How to Do Stand-Up Comedy with ADHD: Quick Thinking to the Test

The pressure of performing to hundreds of scrutinizing ears under bright lights is not for the faint of heart. Anything can happen. Yes, anything, like forgetting your own jokes, scrambling up lines, dealing with hecklers, doing some crowd work, and stumbling onto topics that weren’t part of the set at all, which often happens for me.

While a large part of stand-up comedy is rehearsing – practicing a set over and over until you’re well-versed enough to deliver your lines, completely memorized (but not showing it) and at just the right timing – rolling with the punches is where your mastery in this craft comes through. Because, as a performer, there are no second chances; you must always be ready to roll with the punches of a one-time-take during a live set.

[Read: LOL! Humor Therapy for ADHD]

Somehow, every time I’m on stage, I manage to fool the audience into thinking that I have my crap together. (Joke’s on them!) How do I do it? With the help of a bulleted list that I keep on stage and occasionally glance at while performing. If I’ve forgotten a joke or scrambled up my lines, potentially disrupting the flow and organization of my set, I look at the next bullet point and find a way, on the spot, to connect the random topic I’ve stumbled upon to the next joke. The list also helps me smoothly skip to the next bit in my set if a joke doesn’t seem to land with the crowd.

It’s in these moments that my ADHD brain actually works best. When I allow myself to shift around freely and think quickly on my feet, my sets tend to feel more authentic, lucid, fluid, and complete.

It’s a big reason I enjoy crowd work. There’s a new crowd to weave through every time, meaning endless possibilities for teasing. Shall I focus on the size of an audience member’s shoes? On the choice of words they used to answer my question? On their unfortunate choice to wear a scarf during the summer or shorts during the winter? Or should I jump through all these choices?

And how about those hecklers? I try my hardest not to “punch-down” as a comedian, but, hey, no one’s perfect! The best thing to do in this scenario is to keep the show light and quickly find a distraction that will satiate the heckler until security can escort them out. No problem for me!

[Read: ADHD Humor Is My Gift and My Curse]

Getting the Last Laugh

Perhaps another reason I gravitate toward a live audience is because performing offers the opportunity to express who I really am and to be truly seen. Sometimes I even feel more like myself when I am presenting or performing on the stage. Because it’s where my brain, funny enough, is free to behave in a way that isn’t always appreciated away from the spotlight.

Stand-Up Comedy and ADHD: Next Steps

• Free Download: The Funny Side of Living with ADHD
• Read: How to Recognize Everyday Humor
• Read: “Are You Not Entertained?”

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

We all have bad days. Sometimes our day starts on a sour note when we wake up late and have to rush to school or work. From there, daily obligations only seem to push the day tumbling downhill. Mix in stress with ADHD emotional dysregulation, and you have irritability and grumpiness that seem impossible to shake. A bad mood, especially if prolonged, can lead to regretful choices that perpetuate problems and sustain a bad mood.

Some parts of your day are simply out of your control. What is in your control is easing yourself out of a bad mood to make your day go better. Use my “SMILE” method to decrease stress and help you move into a calmer state.

[Get This Free Download: Emotional Regulation & Anger Management Scripts]

How to Get Out of a Bad Mood

Sincere gratitude. Remind yourself of the positive in your life. Think of a person, place, thing, or experience that you truly appreciate. Remember what really matters to you. Consider making visual cues (photos, videos, drawings) to remind you of the things for which you are grateful. When you think of the good that surrounds you (and even get a “smile” out of it), you’ll see that your bad mood is not a constant.

Mindfulness. Give yourself a mental break from a bad mood by practicing mindfulness. Focus on your breathing; notice how the air fills your lungs and how it feels to fully exhale. Notice what your senses are detecting in the moment and name what you hear, see, smell, taste, and touch. Visualize a calm and safe place where you feel happy and content. Taking a minute to slow down and be present can help interrupt negative thought cycles.

Investigate your thoughts. Explore what is really going on that is contributing to your bad mood. What happened? How are you framing the situation? Are your thoughts actually helping or making you feel worse? What could be a more useful approach right now? What do you really need (not want) to help you right now? Answering these questions can help you redirect your thoughts to more effectively work through the bad mood.

Listen to your favorite music. Cue up the songs that lighten your mood. Hum the melody, sing along, and tap your foot to the music. Focus your attention on the rhythm and lyrics that make you feel good. What does the song remind you of? What are positive times that you associate with the music? Let the sounds surround you and lift your spirits.

Exercise. Release some of that bad mood through movement. Get the blood flowing with stretches or calisthenics. Take a walk or go for a jog outside to get fresh air. Try dancing or skipping to lighten your mood in a playful way. Do a laborious chore that requires lots of movement. Exercise can help both your mind and your body get to a better place.

Get Out of a Bad Mood: Next Steps

• Free Download: Rein In Intense ADHD Emotions
• Read: Why We Feel So Much — and Ways to Overcome It
• Read: When I’m Feeling Down and Out, I Do This…

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As someone who also feels emotions intensely (growing up, my parents called me Super Sensitive Sharon), I understand completely where you’re coming from when you question the validity of your feelings. When I have big feelings, I truly think that something is the matter with me. The typical thoughts in my head are, “What is wrong with me that I’m getting this upset? No one else seems to be reacting this way.” But as I’ve learned, and as I hope you’ll come to learn, there is nothing wrong with being sensitive. (It’s really helped me in my career as a psychologist.)

Your feelings are valid — RSD or not, neurotypical or not. You are entitled to have your emotions however you would like to have them. Is it true that your ADHD brain is wired to feel emotions more intensely? Yes. And we can’t talk about ADHD without bringing up emotional dysregulation, which also affects how you process emotions. It’s also the case that RSD makes it difficult to perceive responses neutrally; you may perceive injury or threat where there is none.

[Get This Free Download: Understanding Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria]

But penalizing yourself for feeling how you’re feeling is counterproductive. It’s much more helpful to normalize your feelings. More importantly, you can acknowledge your emotional reactions and still investigate them.

Checking in with a friend, partner, coach, therapist, or anyone who understands the type of brain that you have is a good, safe way to gauge your interpretation of a situation. Say, “This thing happened, and I’m not sure if I’m overreacting. What do you think in this situation? How would you feel if someone said this to you?” These conversations can help you reframe the situation. You may find that the remark someone directed at you was simply a thoughtless comment that bears no reflection on who you are. Or maybe the situation was that unfortunate; if that’s the case, focus on the fact that you survived it, and think about what you’ve learned from it.

Regardless of whether RSD is in the picture, I’d like to leave you with a parting thought by Maya Angelou: “You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.”

Your Feelings Are Valid: Next Steps

• Take This Self-Test: Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria Symptom Test for ADHD Brains
• Read: “I Can’t Handle Rejection. Will I Ever Change?”
• Read: How to Counteract Imposter Syndrome, Perfectionism, and RSD

The content for this article was derived from the ADDitude ADHD Experts webinar titled, “RSD Toolkit: Strategies for Managing Your Sensitivities in Real Time” [Video Replay & Podcast #476] with Sharon Saline, Psy.D. which was broadcast on October 19, 2023.

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Apparently not. “Only 27 likes?” my brain scoffed. My mother-in-law’s voice rang in my ears: “Your expectations are your worst enemy.” I hate it when she’s right.

The truth is that she’s going to be right as long as I have ADHD, which, unfortunately (but, also fortunately), will be always. Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) exists, and learning about it for the first time as a clinical psychologist allowed me to better understand my patients and finally name one of the most perplexing aspects of my own ADHD. I understood why I couldn’t handle rejection in all forms, including the rejection that is baked into social media use.

I’ll admit that the time I spent off social media was incredible. The world looked and felt brighter and clearer when I finally put down the phone and took a look around. But after seven years, social media has called me back – a desire that has caused equal parts confusion and intrigue.

I’m not back for the likes or validation. I returned because, as a psychologist who specializes in working with children, teens, and young adults, I have something to say to youth struggling with mental health challenges today. I want to be there for them, and I cannot be heard or reach youth, I fear, without using social media.

[Read: Compare & Despair – Social Media & Mental Health Concerns in Teens with ADHD]

Since re-entering the social media sphere and navigating the sensory overload that is YouTube and TikTok (I’m @drgillykahn on both platforms) I’m taking note of the healthy social media habits that are keeping me balanced – habits that may help you use social media in a healthy way, too.

1. Ask yourself why you’re using social media. You’re more likely to have positive experiences with social media if you tie its uses to a concrete purpose or value – like staying in touch with people you care about. Notice how you feel as you visit platforms and consider if the benefits outweigh the costs. It may be time to limit your use or get off certain platforms completely if social media is encouraging compare and despair, keeping you up at night, and anxiously attaching you to your phone.

2. Stick it to The Man. Think of social media breaks as a way to stick it tor the corporate giants who use you as pawns for consumerism and data collection. That’s another reason to use social media with intention, not passively. In other words, use social media in the same way that it uses you. Joke’s on you, social media!

3. Don’t be afraid to create physical distance from your phone. I remember the good old days when we had a landline and had to sprint across the house to answer the phone. Nowadays, it’s like our phones are fused to our hands. Unless you have a valid reason for keeping your phone near you, keep it in your bag, in another room, or out of sight somehow. If you must, build up to keeping your device away in 30-minute increments. Take it a step further by disabling notifications.

[Read: “My Phone Was My Drug”]

4. Remind yourself that social media is not real life. If you catch yourself in an RSD or comparison spiral after spending time on social media, ride out the wave of your emotions and then remind yourself that a lot of what you see on these platforms is simply not representative of reality. There aren’t beauty filters to activate on the fly in real life, for one, and most people only post the good part of their days, not the boring or negative stuff. Also remember that the relative anonymity of the Internet often emboldens users to post mean comments; don’t let this skew your perception of how interactions actually work in the real world. Your emotional responses to negative experiences online are valid, but keep in mind that platforms are designed to raise the volume on entertainment and drama while often muting sensitivity to, well, rejection sensitivity.

5. Let RSD inspire your posts. Shake things up by showing the world that being vulnerable is acceptable and admirable. Our heightened sensitivities should be nothing to be ashamed of. Allow yourself to be yourself on social media and consider sharing your emotional experiences in the moment. Who knows, maybe you will help someone recognize RSD in themselves and encourage others to spread support and acceptance of big emotions as a pertinent and underrecognized aspect of ADHD.

Healthy Social Media Habits: Next Steps

• Read: Wasting Time on Social Media? 6 Ways to Stop ADHD Brains from Doom Scrolling
• Read: I Need a Digital Detox. How Do I Break a Social-Media Habit?
• Read: Can’t Stop Clicking? Here’s How to Beat “Infomania”

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.