Friendships

10 Covert Signs of a Toxic Friend

It’s not in your head. Adults with ADHD may be vulnerable to toxic friendships. Here, learn why we accept less than we deserve, how to spot red flags of a toxic friend, and how to forge healthier relationships.

Caroline Maguire
By Caroline Maguire, M.Ed., ACCG, PCC Verified Updated on March 15, 2024
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Abstract raster print style render of two women talking, representing toxic friendships.
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Toxic Friendships and ADHD: Key Takeaways

  • Adults with ADHD are susceptible to toxic friendships because of rejection sensitive dysphoria, a scarcity mindset, and a tendency to rush into friendships, among other traits and tendencies associated with ADHD.
  • Signs of a toxic friendship include a lack of reciprocity, a sense that you have to walk on eggshells around them, and a feeling of being drained after being with the friend.
  • Avoid toxic friends by recognizing your worth and approaching friendship from a neurodiversity perspective.

Why Do I Attract Toxic People?

It’s not in your head. Toxic friendships tend to follow people with ADHD for a few reasons.

  • A scarcity mindset. We have negative or mixed experiences with friendships because of ADHD’s impact on social and communication skills. Our negative experiences haunt us; we’re convinced that we’re not good at friendship because we sometimes forget to text back, talk over people, forget our friends’ birthdays, and show up late. We don’t think we deserve better, which leads us to settle, even with people who don’t treat us well.
  • Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) amplifies the pain of past experiences with friendships. It feeds our scarcity mindset and forces us to become people-pleasers, which puts us at risk for attracting toxic friends who always put their needs first.
  • We’re used to masking. We constantly hide our ADHD and try to make up for it because we believe we’ll be rejected otherwise. But feeling like you have to hide who you are with a friend is a sign of a toxic friendship.
  • We question our perceptions. The fact that we experience RSD and emotional dysregulation causes us to question the validity of our responses to a friend’s bad actions. Ultimately, we assume that we’re in the wrong; we gaslight ourselves sometimes.
  • We tend to trust quickly. We enthusiastically rush into friendships and don’t always appreciate that forming a relationship is a process. We forgive others’ early transgressions and don’t see red flags that someone isn’t a good friend until it’s too late.

[Is Your Friendship Toxic? Take This Quiz]

Signs of a Toxic Friend

  • It’s always about them. A lack of reciprocity is by far the most telling sign of a toxic friendship. They don’t seem to care about what’s going on in your life and don’t acknowledge the time and effort you put into being their friend.
  • They only reach out when they want something. While they always need something from you, you doubt their willingness to return the favor.
  • Communicating with them is difficult. You walk on eggshells around them and spend a lot of time thinking about how to respond to their text in a way that doesn’t set them off, for example. Your friendship often feels like an emotional roller coaster.
  • You feel like you have to mask to avoid criticism. A toxic friend will bully you in subtle ways. They’ll point out how difficult something is for you while noting how easy it is for them. They’ll make passive-aggressive and backhanded comments.
  • They’ll exclude you from their social circles. A toxic friend will keep you out of the loop.
  • They’re never wrong and thus never apologize. Nothing is ever on them.
  • You’re uncomfortable with their character and how they treat others.
  • You don’t like who you are around them. They bring out negative behaviors and qualities.
  • It’s their way or the highway. You find yourself saying yes to things that make you uncomfortable.
  • You feel mentally and emotionally drained while and after being with them. Friends are supposed to enrich our lives, not make us feel empty.

How to Avoid Toxic People and Form Healthy Friendships

You deserve reciprocal, enriching, and healthy friendships. As you remove toxic friends from your life, use these strategies to help you break out of a scarcity mindset and find genuine friends who support and understand you.

  • Meet many people. Put yourself in situations where you’ll have opportunities to interact with new people. You won’t be willing to tolerate toxic behaviors when you know you have other options.
  • Make a connection three times a day. Say a quick “hello” to the person you often see waiting in line with you for coffee. You’ll be surprised at how friendly and receptive others can be, and how confident these small connections will make you feel.
  • Follow your interests. With a brain that is highly interest-based, you’re more likely to achieve deeper levels of connection and click with people who share your interests.
  • Take a strengths inventory. Don’t sell yourself short. You have a lot more to offer in a friendship than you think. You’re empathetic, funny, curious, zany, non-judgmental, and great at cheering people up. Remind yourself of your qualities, especially when you feel like you have no options.
  • What do you want in a friendship? How do you and your friend make each other feel? How do you treat each other? Think about the values of a healthy friendship as you form connections and turn acquaintances into friends.
  • Use small talk to weed out toxic people. Small talk gets a bad rap, but it’s crucial to feeling people out. Gossip is an early red flag. You can also gauge how reciprocal someone is through small talk. Do they ask you questions about yourself, or is it often me, me, me?
  • Blunders are not the end of the world. RSD may try to convince you that accidentally interrupting a potential friend means that they’ll never want to be actual friends with you, but that’s very rarely the case. Think of yourself in learning mode. Be willing to make mistakes and know that you’ll bounce back from them.
  • Remember what friendship is ultimately about. Closeness, bonding, fun, loyalty, and shared values are just some of the many positive qualities of lasting, healthy friendships.
  • Take your time. Friendships need time to blossom. You don’t have to take anything less than someone who treats you great.

Toxic Friendships and ADHD: Next Steps

The content for this article was derived from the ADDitude ADHD Experts webinar titled, “An Adult’s Guide to Fostering Friendships with ADHD” [Video Replay & Podcast #478] with Caroline Maguire, M.Ed., ACCG, PCC, which was broadcast on November 2, 2023.

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